The golden years – Managing relationships (IV)
We are continuing today with additional factors that can cause difficulties in relationships and what we may do about them. Not adding value: Knowingly or unknowingly, parties in a relationship are always exchanging some value, appreciation or lack of one or both. Value might be provided in line with some contractual terms that may have […]
retirement plans
We are continuing today with additional factors that can cause difficulties in relationships and what we may do about them.
Not adding value: Knowingly or unknowingly, parties in a relationship are always exchanging some value, appreciation or lack of one or both. Value might be provided in line with some contractual terms that may have been pre-agreed in a formal relationship or simply based on some fluid social and cultural norms in an informal relationship. Appreciation is exchanged through recognition of what the other or others do. It doesn’t matter what the source and quantum of value being exchanged might be as long as parties do meet expectations or are at least happy with what is happening. Unfortunately, sometimes one or more parties might not be meeting the expectations and one or more parties might be unhappy as a result thereof.
To avoid or manage such situations, we should be clear about the expectations of others we have relationships with. We should also always strive to meet and if possible surpass those expectations. Similarly, we should make clear what our expectations are of others. With social relationships, though, we should be lenient and accommodating without allowing others to take the relationship for granted. With more formal relationships, on the other hand, we should demand our contractual rights but be supportive and cooperative towards amicable resolutions when the other party falls short and is sincere and willing to make amends. In all situations, we should be firm, fair and thorough but understanding and supportive without throwing away legitimate rights.
Being inflexible: Sometimes, one or both party/-ies is/are inflexible or even difficult on otherwise negotiable matters. This may put a strain on the other party and if not addressed timely, to a breaking point. What can be done here depends on a number of factors. If both parties are not interested in the relationship anymore, perhaps that will be its end. If, however, at least one party is interested, then the interested party should try to understand what may be the cause of the inflexibility on their side and/or on the other. With that understanding, they can try to work out certain compromises that would be sensible to all parties. This might be possible if there are benefits that one or more parties can stand to gain. We should never lose sight of the reality that benefits, value and appreciation have a way of binding relationships. The more we can mutually create value and benefit, the better we are likely to work at protecting the relationship.
Not investing time in the relationship: Not providing the time that is required to sustain, deepen and grow relationships can lead to a stretch. Unfortunately, and particularly in this age, many of us don’t provide the time that is required to nurture our relationships. We just seem to always be in a hurry and busy with our careers, businesses, computers, and mobile devices.
Regardless of the type of relationship, as long as we value it, we must create time for it. Visitations, phone calls and even messages can keep the link and strengthen the bond. The more quality time we can provide in a relationship, the more likely we can strengthen it. Interestingly, even formal relationships do blossom the more time we are able to put into it. If we falter at or fail in providing it, we should accept our oversight and make amends.
Lack of trust: Trust is the emotional foundation of every relationship from the most transient to the lasting. It allows parties to be open, forgiving and willing to take risks. The moment it is lost, however, the relationship would begin a tailspin or a nosedive!
If loss of trust begins to creep into a relationship, it is important to immediately address it as, otherwise, even the best of relationships can end. To bring back trust in a relationship, parties should be willing to accept if certain errors, innocent or not, were made. Beyond that, they should be willing to make corrections. Making corrections means making deliberate efforts to re-earn and rebuild trust. This will involve being sincere, truthful in speech and wholesome in actions. Re-earning trust and confidence can take time, and consistency and persistence will be required. If any party has made a mistake, sincerely apologizing, making good any recoverable losses, and ensuring that it doesn’t re-occur is required.
Life transitions, internal and external stressors: We all go through multiple physiological as well as life transitions that could cause internal stresses for us which can spew out and could affect our relationships with others. When we are going through such difficulties, we should be aware of their existence and work to minimize the damage they can cause to our relationships with others, perhaps by discussing with them and asking for their understanding and patience. Similarly, when we have relationships with others that are going through these phases and difficulties, we should be aware and try to be patient and supportive of them. In our case or for others, we should not hesitate to seek professional help as may be required such as on mental health issues.
Depending on what we have done in the first sixty years of our lives and what we want to do thereafter, retirement is a major transition that could create tensions internally and in our relationships with others, particularly those who are close to us. Hence, it is important we understand the sources of those emotional stresses, which we have discussed earlier, and wisely plan both the transition into and life in retirement.
We shall conclude on relationship management next week by taking up a few more factors as well as how to end relationship if that has to be.