The gospel according to the negotiator

Yet, if one had sought the permission of some of these people, to be classified as citizens of Nigeria, they might have declined. As much as possible, they steer clear of official functions, identifying occasionally with skillful games of chance such as football. Even now the rot has claimed that. For all their global fame […]

Yet, if one had sought the permission of some of these people, to be classified as citizens of Nigeria, they might have declined. As much as possible, they steer clear of official functions, identifying occasionally with skillful games of chance such as football. Even now the rot has claimed that. For all their global fame and fortune, the home front, rather than be a badge of honour, is a byword and a stain on their lofty achievements and global reckoning.
Every now and then, children of Nigerian origin shatter academic records in faraway lands but the schools that produced their progenitors are a caricature of what they used to be and in some cases, they have been sold off to the highest spiritual 419 or dubious business mogul. Those who helplessly say government has no business in business find it easy to run the same enterprises with success in retirement.
It is increasingly difficult to invite a foreign friend for a visit. There is nothing to showcase. Our capital cities are no different from the evil forest at night without electricity. We are dancing Disco with power generation while pitch darkness envelopes our lives decreasing life expectancy with pollution related ailments. Our economy is suspended on the precarious monoculture of hydrocarbon while even as real nations research into clean energy alternatives. If the oil dries up today; if global demand falls, the entity called Nigeria is finished; it has no alternate economic sustenance plans.
Our roads are pot-holed and where they are fixed at ten times the cost for countries without bitumen, they only last few rains. Our rail transformation is a showcase of the resuscitation of Lugard’s coaches where other nations work with models that favourably compete with the speed of a bullet. Two thirds of our land is arable, but we panic when Thailand threatens to cut off our rice supply over Ebola threats.
Our rulers fly to gurneys in Europe, America and the Middle East to cure headaches and sometimes return as cadavres from hospitals, which employ Nigerians as consultants. We have buried a once-buoyant health care system with greed and lack of planning.
After inheriting the insurrection of Boko Haram, our president urged us to learn to cope with terrorism the same way we have learnt to cope with armed robbery. Then he activated laughable conspiracy theories and went to sleep while our national boundary is gradually yielding to armed religious insurrection. Boko Haram knew how to appeal to kindred spirits while our government waited for London and Paris to invite us to talk to our neighbours on cooperation.
How can our nation purge itself of inferiority complex? Our leaders covet global handshakes and photo-ops but have no sense of responsibility. We were the first African nation to invest in television, but when our ruiners have something important to say to the citizenry, they hire foreign stations to reach them. We became the first country on earth to adopt the unverified transcripts of a foreign broadcast in evidence to do the right thing.
The practice of public relations predates the birth of the nation, but we hired an American firm to launder our shattered image while paying pretenders with titles as government communicators. We have a standing armed force, a defense academy, peace college attracting combatants across the globe. Our forces gallantly fought a grueling civil war to preserve unity; successfully put down civil war in two neighbouring countries; but presently commanders gleefully announce troop tactical manouevre into Cameroon to cover their inefficiency and letdown.
Our latest enrolment in the hall of shame sees our media and gentry falling over each other to report an Australian negotiator, Stephen Davis. Davis made his first millions from the Niger-Delta insurgency and returned to take on Boko Haram. There are no worthy Nigerian negotiators at the Peace College, in our armed forces or among qualified Nigerians abroad. With his pay on the line, and nothing at stake, Davis is stoking the embers of discord and getting the publicity he requires for a foothold in the continent at our expense. We have added something to the mantra of shame – no matter how glaring it is, we need a white man to tell us it is so.