The hidden cost of Japa

The departure lounges at the Lagos and Abuja international airports are often filled with excitement, hope, and promises of a brighter future. Families gather for photographs, prayers are whispered, and tearful hugs linger a little longer than usual. For many Nigerians leaving the country in search of better opportunities abroad, it marks the beginning of […]

The departure lounges at the Lagos and Abuja international airports are often filled with excitement, hope, and promises of a brighter future. Families gather for photographs, prayers are whispered, and tearful hugs linger a little longer than usual. For many Nigerians leaving the country in search of better opportunities abroad, it marks the beginning of a long-awaited dream.

But once the plane takes off and the calls become less frequent, another reality quietly unfolds back home, a reality marked by loneliness, emotional strain, and the growing burden carried by families left behind.

Across Nigeria, the migration trend popularly known as “Japa” has evolved beyond an economic movement. It is reshaping homes, relationships, and communities. Parents are aging without the daily presence of their children, spouses are struggling with emotional distance and separation, and children are growing up with one or both parents existing mostly through phone calls and video chats.

While public conversations often focus on the financial opportunities associated with migration, far less attention is paid to the emotional and social sacrifices endured by those who remain behind. Behind many success stories abroad are families grappling with absence, uncertainty, and fractured relationships.

In several reported cases, marriages that remain legally valid on paper have effectively broken down after spouses relocated abroad and gradually withdrew emotional or financial support from their families in Nigeria. Advocates and affected families say the pattern has become increasingly visible in recent years, leaving many women to raise children alone while navigating economic hardship, social stigma, and uncertainty about the future.

 

Personal accounts

One of the women who shared her experience is Abigail Nanchin Kakiyes, a native of Plateau State who married her husband in Lagos before he later relocated to the United States.

According to Kakiyes, her husband moved abroad on a visitor’s visa and later sent her divorce papers from the United States.

“My marriage was properly conducted in court under Nigerian law,” she said. “Yet my husband relocated to the United States on a visitor’s visa and later sent me a divorce petition from America.”

Kakiyes explained that she declined to sign the documents because no formal dissolution of the marriage had taken place under Nigerian legal procedures. She said her experience reflects the broader difficulties surrounding cross-border marital disputes and the challenges faced by spouses who remain in Nigeria.

Another woman, who requested to be identified as Mummy Dayo for security reasons, described the emotional and financial hardship she experienced after her husband relocated abroad.

According to her, they had been married for nearly 20 years and built their lives together from modest beginnings before her husband became financially successful. The couple has three children.

“Over time, my husband gradually stopped supporting me financially, including basic personal needs and medical expenses. The stress contributed to health complications, including high blood pressure,” she said.

Nearly three years ago, she said, her husband left Nigeria for Canada without informing her beforehand.

“He left from work and later informed me that someone would come to collect his car, which was eventually sold,” she recalled.

Since then, she said she has relied heavily on support from relatives, including her sister and father living abroad, while using public transportation to take her children to school.

A separate interview with another woman based in Lagos, who also requested anonymity, revealed a different but related experience. According to her, she later discovered that her husband’s sister in the United Kingdom had arranged another marriage for him in Lagos without her knowledge.

“The ceremony was conducted and legally registered without my knowledge. My husband and the new spouse later applied for a United Kingdom student visa,” she said.

She explained that communication with her husband gradually declined after his relocation and alleged that he later remarried in the United Kingdom while she continued raising their two children alone in Nigeria.

Migration has also affected elderly parents left behind. Oshina Bello recounted the emotional toll migration had on her family, particularly on their late mother.

According to her, her brother, Friday Ozaveshe Bello, had been the primary caregiver for their sick mother before relocating to the United States.

“He was very diligent with her care until an opportunity came for him to travel abroad,” she said.

Before leaving, the family arranged for someone else to care for their mother, but the arrangement did not work as expected.

“Her condition worsened and our mother eventually passed away,” she added.

She explained that her brother was devastated by the loss and unable to return to Nigeria for the burial because of immigration restrictions at the time.

 

Virtual parenting and its implications

For many migrant families, parenting has increasingly become virtual.

Speaking with Bethel Bello, 8, and his younger sister, Benita Bello, children of Friday Bello, both expressed excitement about speaking with their father over the phone. Yet behind those smiles lies the emotional strain of prolonged separation.

“I always miss my daddy. He promised to always come every year to see us, and he always comes around in August,” Bethel said.

In another conversation, Bethel added: “I know daddy is trying to make life good for us, but I truly miss seeing him, playing with him, and telling him how my day went. I always miss him whenever they ask for our father’s presence in school.”

In societies like Nigeria, where family presence is deeply valued, virtual parenting can create emotional gaps. Children may appreciate digital communication while still longing for physical closeness and parental involvement in their daily lives.

Mental health professionals warn that prolonged separation and abandonment can have lasting emotional consequences on both spouses and children.

Speaking on the issue, Ms. Charity Mshelia, a gender advocate and counsellor, explained that spouses abandoned without proper divorce proceedings often experience emotional trauma.

“When a spouse abroad withdraws emotional and practical support from a legally recognized marriage in Nigeria, the partner left behind may experience ambiguous loss, depression, identity confusion, and chronic anxiety,” she said.

According to Ms. Mshelia, social expectations and stigma often discourage women from speaking openly about their experiences.

She also noted that children may suffer emotional and developmental challenges from the prolonged absence of a parent, especially when accompanied by financial instability and social pressure.

Legal experts say many affected families are unaware that marriages contracted under Nigerian law remain legally valid unless formally dissolved through recognized legal procedures.

Dr. Nankin Bagudu, Director of the League for Human Rights, described the issue as a growing social concern.

“Once a marriage is contracted under statutory or customary law, it remains valid whether the husband is in Nigeria or abroad,” he said. “Any dissolution must follow the proper legal procedures.”

According to Bagudu, spouses abandoned in such situations may seek legal remedies through Nigerian courts on the grounds that the marriage has broken down irretrievably.

However, he noted that cross-border cases often involve legal and procedural complications, particularly when one spouse resides in another country.

Bagudu explained that Nigeria already has laws intended to protect family rights, including the Matrimonial Causes Act, the Child Rights Act, and the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act (VAPP). He stressed that stronger enforcement and institutional coordination remain necessary in addressing marital abandonment and child support disputes.

“The issue also raises broader questions about legal accountability, social support systems, and the enforcement of family obligations across borders,” he said.

Although legal remedies exist within Nigeria’s judicial system, many women remain reluctant to pursue formal action because of cultural expectations, financial limitations, social pressure, and the complexity of international legal processes.

Bagudu further stated that stronger international cooperation may be necessary to address family responsibilities when spouses reside in different jurisdictions.

As Nigeria’s migration wave continues, the emotional cost borne by families left behind remains a largely hidden aspect of the Japa phenomenon, one measured not in foreign currency, but in absence, uncertainty, and relationships stretched across continents.