The magic stove and other matters

I have been making my research on the new stove and I have come to the conclusion that it is one of the reasons why nobody should even harbour the thought of contesting against this performing government come 2015. I know that will disappoint the opposition, but who appointed them in the first instance?I understand […]

I have been making my research on the new stove and I have come to the conclusion that it is one of the reasons why nobody should even harbour the thought of contesting against this performing government come 2015. I know that will disappoint the opposition, but who appointed them in the first instance?
I understand that this charmed stove is closest to our notion of paradise where the malaika turns every lofty dream into tangible supply. So if you don’t get one, don’t hassle too much as long as you are in good terms with your card-carrying PDP neighbour and imbued with an elastic dose of the stimulant called Patience.
If not that I know better, I would have suggested that these stoves be supplied, first to internally displaced persons (IDPs) because they need it having been stripped of their humanity. But most of them are northerners aka Obote men, they can wait till 2019 if the cycle favours them.
So, this stove I understand has a wish app domiciled in paradise with the angel of wish. You wake up in the morning, turn on its Ouija board and wish yourself a continental breakfast – pronto it appears – one wish per family. You can do the same for lunch and dinner but just like the manna that fell for the Israelites, you shall consume all and leave none till the next day.
Stupid environmentalists – they could have saved billions in campaign funds to save the lives of the six billion trees that are murdered every year if they had gone to Ms Collins. Better air campaigners could prevent 50,000 deaths that occur as a result of air pollution and save the $40 billion that goes to preventing it yearly if they were friendly with Ms Collins. We must police our borders to make sure nobody takes over from the jobless charcoal dealers and firewood sellers, time to populate your forests oh Naija! Who says cluelessness has no environmental impact?
The magic is that purchasing these stoves comes at a time when our relationship with South Africa is truly improving. Months back, our $15 billion was floating in their hands and we were going to nationalize MTN and Shoprite in retaliation. It comes at a time the presidency has reconciled with alarm blower Sanusi Lamido Sanusi that the economy may break as a result of the application of World Bank principles of sound economic management in the 15 years of crude oil boom. How could a Sharia graduate question the management acumen of a Breton Wood economist?
In Naija, they say that time goes slow when you are having fun. Let us hope that the reverse side of fun flies with supersonic speed so that the poor would not tighten their belts to asphyxiation. The opposition believes that the poor have tightened their belts so much they all have stomach ulcer. But then, what do they know, aside scheming to take over power for greedy northerners?
This state of being broke does not call for prudence or reduction in state spending. You will never hear of legislooters reducing their fat allowances or ministers taking half pay. God forbid that governors reduce their frequent trips abroad or to frivolous award ceremonies. Any call for the reduction of the number of vehicles on the presidential, gubernatorial or legislative convoy should be treated as high treason.
The new economic principle, which neither Adam Smith nor Ricardo ever mentioned as panacea to surviving when broke is death. Except death from Ebola, nothing is cheaper than death in the north. Unlike other parts of the country where funerals bankrupt the living, mass deaths are working so efficiently in reducing the ever producing northern mother. Only last week she sent her children to the mosque and conservative estimates counted over 70 bodies. Before then, those who will not wait for divine manna to satisfy their craving for fish were killed in Maiduguri fish market. Children who will not wear their ignorance as a badge of honour and piety are killed on their assembly grounds. In Nasarawa, Benue, Plateau and Taraba, unidentified herdsmen take out people of all classes and races. And for all these needful deaths, we have innovated mass burials. I hope to vacate this space for your comments next week.