The manifesto of the ruining party

-Happy New Year.-Thank you. -Thank you? What do you mean?-Where is the happiness now?-It’s all around you like ripe mangoes, just reach up in faith and pluck it.-You’re beginning to sound like prosperity pastors who hoodwink their members with sweet wishes.-Prosperity is good. Great year.-How great?-It’s the year of elections. -Huum.-I thought you’d be excited. […]

-Happy New Year.
-Thank you.
-Thank you? What do you mean?
-Where is the happiness now?
-It’s all around you like ripe mangoes, just reach up in faith and pluck it.
-You’re beginning to sound like prosperity pastors who hoodwink their members with sweet wishes.
-Prosperity is good. Great year.
-How great?
-It’s the year of elections.
-Huum.
-I thought you’d be excited.
-What for?
-Elections, the only recognized prescription for ‘we the people’ to change bad governance.
-Huum
-Why are you humming? Have you not received your PVC?
-Abeg, we’ve been voting in the past 16 years, what has it brought us?
-Transformation, fresh air.
-Where is it?
-Everywhere you go.
-The only thing I can see everywhere I go is poverty, penury, misery, uncertainty and threats of violence.
-Come on, stop being a party pooper, and acknowledge the giant strides we’ve made.
-Where?
– Six years ago, there was only Dangote and seven others. Today, we’ve produced 28 billionaires.
-So?
-Our economy is rebased and we are the economic giant of Africa.
-Our Naira is being beaten black and blue by the dollar.
-Come on, its global recession, we have $34 billion external reserves…
-We declared austerity measures and kept official profligacy.
-How?
-The starving are asked to tighten their belts, while our rotund ruiners budgeted N4 billion for their own food.
-We must feed the head of state?
-In fifteen years, we have squandered N82 trillion with our economic management team – best in the world; IMF certificated and World Bank certified.
-Except you’re an incurable pessimist – the glass is half full.
– Are you suffering from optical illusion? The glass is empty.
-We have made strides my guy. C’mon, only days ago we launched inner-city train in Kaduna. We’ve done the same thing in Lagos.
-At what cost? Twelfth century rejects of Europe and America. We saw IBB Revolution. Things get glossy in an election year, they get rusty afterwards.
-You never appreciate good things.
-We have more billionaires than factories. How many of our graduates have jobs?
-Modern governments do not create jobs, they provide the enabling environment.
-I see, the jobs are floating in the dark.
-We have deregulated the power sector and most parts of the country now have power.
-Once every blue moon and in some places not a flicker.
-I ask you to shed the cap of pessimism and wear the fedora of hope.
-You mean the fedora of stealing and corruption?
-Truly you won’t appreciate this government until it leaves.
-I can’t wait to see it go. I think I need the PVC, it’s the passport to change.
-Now you’re talking, but make it a passport to continuity.
-Tufiakpa! Continuity of insecurity everywhere you go. The integrity of the nation is ruined, the labour of our heroes past is now celebrated vanity, and cronyism is the new nationalism. Bombs are flying, people are dying; the army is so weak it runs away from Xmas crackers and lies to cover up; the police is only active in scandals and the secret service is openly partisan threatening only non-regime apologists…
-Take the chill pill man, terrorism is a global phenomenon, not the fault of this government. They have it in Iraq, Libya, Pakistan, even in Europe and America.
-I live here.
-Look, we have handled this thing better than Libya, where parliament had to shift base.
-Please don’t go there?
-America denied us the weapons, we attempted to buy from South Africa and failed…
-Come on, Tompolo got gunboats and warships – a known brigand has more credibility than our government?
-Heh, don’t denigrate our leaders.
-Leaders? Is Tompolo your leader now?
-He is a reformed citizen, yes a leader. Look, just give us an extension and we will tackle these issues.
-When we’re Somalia? We need change but it doesn’t look like they’ll let us have it.
-How?
-Tension all over the land, brigands threatening fire and brimstone.
-You won’t talk about your almajiri army that won’t let people campaign freely.
-Where?
-You can’t even get drivers to drive Gudjoe branded cars across the north.
-But Gudjoe was in Kano months ago dancing Skelewu to a packed audience. Gudjoe has the police and the army. He can put the cars on freight trains. APC office was burnt in Ekiti.
– People threatening blood on dogs and baboons are not in government.
– Yes, you can misquote and mistranslate conditional statements and rake up 30 year old murk but those who openly threatened to level Yoruba land are walking free.
– One candidate started it all.
– Really, how?
-Why should winning be a do or die affair?
– Because that is the motto of the ruining party.
– Some people have no certificate and they want to rule us.
-Is that the best answer to the missing doctoral thesis or the lack of a single academic paper?