The match-making flops

For three days I argued with my campaign advisers that I did not have the energy to take in a new wife. However, my campaign team’s chairman Alhaji Gohe silenced me with an impassioned speech. He said, “Alhaji, you know that I had retired from politics for many years. I only agreed to come back […]

For three days I argued with my campaign advisers that I did not have the energy to take in a new wife. However, my campaign team’s chairman Alhaji Gohe silenced me with an impassioned speech. He said, “Alhaji, you know that I had retired from politics for many years. I only agreed to come back into it because of you. Maikahon Karo here, he was also planning to retire from politics but when you came in, you persuaded him to join you in this project. Tsinin Kusa too had other plans until you came into this race.”
He continued, “together we all agreed to work for you to ensure the success of your aspiration. It is either you are ready to follow our advice or we are all wasting our time here. We have identified the biggest obstacle to your aspiration, which is the Governor’s preference for another aspirant. We have identified the best way to overcome it, which is for you to marry his sister. Now you are telling us that you don’t have the energy to marry another wife. Which energy? All the energy you are showing now when we are going around campaigning, where did you get it? Is it the small energy at home that you are saying you don’t have?”
My suggestion that I must discuss the matter with my wives was also overruled. Maikaho said, “which man ever told his wives in time before he took in another wife? You should wait until a week to the time to tell them; otherwise they will go to a native doctor and try to scatter everything. Don’t tell them anything until we print the invitation card!”
I left the meeting inwardly hoping that the plan will not work. However, my aides went about the project with lightning speed. To my surprise, when Maikaho intimated our Women’s Leader Yar’guguwa of the plan, she readily agreed to spearhead it.  One of my secret hopes was that contacting Yar’guguwa would spell the death knell for the project because, as my second wife’s school mummy, she would leak the whole thing to her. Instead, Yar’guguwa enthusiastically welcomed the idea. She agreed with Maikahon Karo that we are in this political race to win and everything else must take a back seat to the desire to win.
Within hours of bringing her into the project, Yar’guguwa produced pictures of the Governor’s sister. Three pictures in fact; one of them in a sitting position, the second one she was standing up, and in the third one she was sprawled on a carpet. We all crowded round the pictures to take a look. Tsinin Kusa was saying, “Chei! This one really fits Alhaji very well. White like this! It is the kind of thing Alhaji likes. She is also very well behaved.”
The next step was how to establish contact with the girl. Yar’guguwa was summoned to the guest house to discuss the next step. The things she said made me jittery. She said, “here is her PIN number. Please ping her.” I said, “what is ping?” Yar’guguwa and Tsinin Kusa burst out laughing. “Alhaji,” she said, “don’t sound like an old man. Send her a contact request on BBM and then you can chat.” I was again confused and I said, “What is BBM?” “You don’t know Blackberry Messenger? Please buy a BB immediately so you can ping her. The girls of nowadays, if you are not on BBM they will think you are a bush man. Are you on Facebook? We can use Facebook Messenger instead.” Although I have a Facebook account, I have not visited it in more than a year. I have never heard of Facebook Messenger or the other things that Yar’guguwa asked me about: WhatsApp, Viber, Tumblr and We Chat.
Finally Alhaji Gohe came to my rescue. He said, “Yar’guguwa, Alhaji is like me, a member of the old generation. He does not know how to court a wife using modern technology. Let us go back to the traditional method that served our parents very well. You should arrange a face to face meeting. That is the one Alhaji knows.” Yar’guguwa agreed to set up a meeting but she prophetically said, “It is good for Alhaji to find out something about Facebook, Twitter and WhatsApp otherwise when you meet her, the discussion will be short.”
That was exactly what happened. Yar’guguwa made an intricate plan. She got her niece who was the girl’s friend to invite her to a get-together party. She got a few other friends around and in the middle of the party, I was smuggled into the house and kept in one small parlour. I was told not to wear a babbar riga so as not to look too old. I rejected Maikaho’s suggestion to wear a t-shirt and jeans trouser. Instead I shaved my beard and wore a jumper that was specially embroidered. Presently, the girl was ushered in by Yar’guguwa’s niece and they both knelt slightly to greet me. They then sat down and after a minute, Yar’guguwa’s niece excused herself and left me with the girl.
My throat was suddenly dry. I coughed a few times as I struggled to make conversation with this girl who is young enough to be my daughter. Two of my sons are older than her. It is only because I don’t have big daughters; they would have been older than her. I asked her about school and she said she had just finished her WAEC. I shopped around for what else to say. I asked if the WAEC papers were difficult. She said, “no, they were okay.” I asked which subjects she offered and she reeled out nine. “That many?” I wanted to say, “In our days there were fewer subjects” but I held myself back; I must not give her the impression that I am an old man.
That was how I struggled through that first meeting. After 10 minutes she asked if she could return to the party. I agreed she could go. I brought out an envelope and two nice perfumes and gave her but she refused to take them. As soon as she left, I also walked out through the door. I went straight to the guest house and found Alhaji Gohe, Maikaho and Tsinin Kusa waiting eagerly to hear the story. I sat down heavily on the sofa, sipped a glass of juice and said, “Alhaji Gohe, Maikaho, Tsini, we must find another strategy. I cannot go through with this one.”