The plight of women living with ‘non-performing’ husbands

She disclosed that her husband, who is in his early 50s, has been having problem that is similar to impotency, saying all the steps taken by him to become normal has failed. “My hope has been dashed and for now I’m just being patient, leaving everything to God,” she disclosed. Another housewife facing similar problem but […]

She disclosed that her husband, who is in his early 50s, has been having problem that is similar to impotency, saying all the steps taken by him to become normal has failed.
 “My hope has been dashed and for now I’m just being patient, leaving everything to God,” she disclosed.
Another housewife facing similar problem but who wouldn’t want her name in print said she has run out of patience. She said, with the condition her husband was living with, she may soon start looking for ways to satifsy her desire outside her matrimonial home. The woman, while narrating her case, was so emotional that she was sobbing silently.
Like Ramatu and the anonymous lady, there are many women that are suffering in silence because their husbands cannot satisfy their sexual desire. The voices of such women are always made audible at the slightest opportunity. While many are bearing it patiently, hoping that one day it will be history, some are using the phenomenon to cheat on their husbands.
The more disturbing thing affecting women whose husbands are impotent is that they receive no sympathy from the husbands. Sometimes it’s like the men tend to transfer their aggression on the women.
“At first, when he failed to perform, he told me he was having stomachache; but after other trials that also failed, he became unapologetic and seems to be telling me to go to hell,” said another women facing this problem.
She said being the senior wife, she was able to detect the problem, saying she didn’t know how the other wife was feeling since she is a teenager and lives in a different house.
Sometimes the behaviour of the husbands is what is making the women to disclose the problem, either to their parents or friends. For reasons best known to them, such men are known to be so obstinate and would hardly follow their wives to see the doctor.
“The problem seems to be affecting them psychologically because, instead of becoming humble and cool, they become harsh and arrogant,” the woman added.
What then are the possible causes of this problem that is fast consuming almost about half of the men population in Nigeria?
Investigation by Home Front revealed that many factors are responsible for this phenomenon and the level at which this problem is engulfing men is alarming. According to a survey carried out in some communities in one of the states in Nigeria, about 48.3 percent of men are suffering from erectile dysfunction, or impotency.
Disclosing this to our correspondent, Dr Abdullahi Kabir Suleiman of the Department of Family Medicine, Aminu Kano Teaching Hospital (GOPD), said the problem is so common among men nowadays and they see many of them at the hospital, adding that the percentage could be higher considering the fact that some men would rather hide their condition than make it known.
On the possible causes, Suleiman said there were many things that could cause it but the main one is aging.
 “There are many things that can cause it but the main thing is aging. As somebody gets older, he may have such problem and, in addition, their might be some psychological problem that can cause depression, anxiety and stress,” he explained.
He added that there were many diseases prevalent in the society which can also cause impotency. Such diseases, according to him, include hypertension, diabetes, increased fats in the vessels that could cause blockage and other ailments that could lead to blockage. He also said that some of the drugs taken by people suffering from these diseases could also lead to the problem of erectile dysfunction.
“Also the drugs they are taking for these conditions such as the drugs for hypertension and diabetes, they are also known to cause  this problem,” he said.
Apart from diseases and taking of drugs, other things that are causing this problem according to the doctor includes drinking alcohol, smoking and others, “Taking of alcohol and smoking is also known to have caused the problem of erectile dysfunction,” he said.
This problem according to him has been causing disharmony among couples most especially those that are very old but got married to very young ladies. To remedy the problem, Dr Suleiman said if they come to the hospital, their cases would be treated accordingly.
 “There are ways we can treat it. If it is psychological we treat the psychological problem and we teach them how to overcome the problem.
There are certain drugs that have been found that can be given to the patients. And in addition to it, there may be even surgery and transplant, he added.”
He advised that men that are having such problem; because of the problem it is causing between them and their wives should come to the hospital, “So that we can find the possible cause and the possible solution. Their wives should encourage them to come to the hospital because if the problem is emanating as a result of a drug, we can withdraw the drug or change it. Sometimes it will be psychological therapy and sometimes it will be medication.”
On whether there is anything that the wife could do to assist the husband overcome the problem, he observed that if the problem was psychological, the wife could assist by foreplay and other encouraging moves but if the cause is medical, then she could only encourage him to come to the hospital. He added that the couples should also discuss the issue together and think of a way of overcoming it.
On the use of local herbs, the doctor said he could not encourage it because such drugs have no known measurement and dosage.
 “I believe that it is not good and why I’m saying so is because there is no measurement and no dosage and some people come with erection that will not come down and if you have a sustained erection for over a period of time it can permanently damage the nerves and the vessels which will thereby lead to impotence that may require surgery. So it is good to come to the hospital,” he said.
While some are of the view that too much love making could also cause the problem, Suleiman said in this case, the problem could just be a temporary one and after sometimes, the problem might go. He however attested to the fact that, in life, moderation is always the best for living a health life.
Commenting in the same vein, Malam Abubakar Muhammad Ibrahim, who is an Islamic scholar said, even in Islam, too much of making love with one’s wife could lead to early aging. The right step that the woman can take is to take the matter to the court to decide after losing all hopes but should never think of looking outside to have her desired satisfied. The men should also appreciate their wives’  patience and even reward them for that but not compound the problem for them.