The price of male ego

Though he wishes to remain unnamed, you can tell from the interesting and educative piece below that his story is inspired by his experiences in the O and G ward. His lead characters are Bashir and his wife Dijah. Enjoy. ‘I was on my way to our children’s room when I noticed Bashir sitting at […]

Though he wishes to remain unnamed, you can tell from the interesting and educative piece below that his story is inspired by his experiences in the O and G ward. His lead characters are Bashir and his wife Dijah. Enjoy.

‘I was on my way to our children’s room when I noticed Bashir sitting at the dining table deep in thought.
‘I thought you had gone for your usual morning exercise’.  I said. He appeared not to have heard me so I raised my voice and repeated, ‘Dear, are you not going for your morning exercise? ‘
He raised his head and looked at me. For the first time, I noticed the worry on his face. ‘Is there anything wrong?’ I asked.
‘’ I was thinking of my friend Musa, his family and some problems they are having. Do you remember him?” He replied
“Of course I do. I am quite familiar with his first wife, Rabi.  She is regular at our sister’s meeting. A very patient woman, she always reminds us about the virtue of patience’’. I said coming over to sit near him.
‘’I am not surprised that she talks about patience. Her perseverance is partially responsible for the current travails of the family”.
‘’I thought patience is virtue. How can it lead to problems?’
‘’It didn’t exactly lead to the problem, it merely exposed it. As you know he took a second wife six months ago. He has been married to Rabi for five years but she was yet to conceive a child. A year into the marriage, Rabi sought medical help. She was asked to undergo several tests. The doctors told her all her results were normal.  They asked Musa to also go for a test. But he didn’t, insisting that the fault must be hers. After much persuasion, he finally went and submitted his sample. The sample was analysed and the doctors insisted that they wanted to see him to discuss the result, but he refused to go. Rabi tried her best to make him go to the hospital but could not succeed, so she gave up.’’
‘’That’s sad.” I said.
‘’Well, he suspected that something was wrong, so he went to a private laboratory without her knowledge and got himself tested. The results showed that his sperm count was so low that he will not be able to get her pregnant.’’
‘’It means that he was responsible for the infertility all along. Did he discuss the result with her?’’ I enquired.
‘’He didn’t. His ego wouldn’t let him do that’’.
‘’What is wrong with accepting his human weakness? But what could be responsible for the low sperm count and is there no treatment for it?’’ I asked.
‘’I think these are the issues the doctors wanted to discuss with him. Since he didn’t honour their invitation, he decided to do an internet search by himself. The result was quite revealing’’.
‘’ What did he find?’’
‘’It appears the problem can be caused by many conditions in the brain, neck, blood chemistry, genitals, by occupation, smoking, alcoholism, exposure to heat, and even wearing tight pants. But one thing stood out in his case. The internet search showed that one’s previous sexual history can affect the sperm count. When he reflected back, he was quite an adventurous Romeo in his campus days. He was also a regular customer of commercial sex workers at the same time. Unfortunately, he contacted several venereal diseases. The search showed gonorrhea in particular as a cause of future low sperm count as it can block the man’s tube if it was poorly treated. He remembered that he used to have a discharge and painful urination. Unfortunately, he received treatment from chemists only. Even then, he never got the full dose of the treatment. He will just take one or two capsules and stop once the symptoms subsided.’’ Bashir explained.
‘’ That’s unfortunate. Sometimes, we do things without reflecting on the possible long term implications. And he ended up marrying an innocent woman who was neither aware of his past nor was a participant in it.’’ I observed.
‘’His family began to intervene by the time the marriage was about two years old and there was no child forthcoming. They heaped all the blame on Rabi. When she told them that he was yet to go to the hospital, they scolded her even more since in their own thinking, it was a woman’s problem. His elder sister Adama took particular interest in the issue. She visits the house virtually on a weekly basis to put more pressure on Rabi. During those visits, he could hear his sister raising her voice in anger but Musa would just enter his room and be out of the whole unpleasantness.’’
‘’ You mean he didn’t protect her?”
‘’He didn’t. He actually looked the other way while all that was going on. But he regrets that now’’.
‘’Does he really?’’
‘’Well, after some time, he decided to consult traditional healers. They gave them all sorts of concoctions to use. The drugs were bitter to take. Rabi was also asked to take a bath with some leaves. One of the baths contained something with a foul odour, probably the faeces of some animal. They later left the traditional healers and moved to some marabouts. They were not only more expensive but had new ideas. They said the problems were caused by jinns. They conducted lots of prayers and gave them more drugs. However, there was no success. At this point, the family pressure became more intense with suggestions that he should take a new wife. Six months ago, he married Amina.’’ Bashir disclosed.
‘’I learnt that she just graduated from the university. She is much younger than Rabi.’’ I observed.
‘’Yes, that marriage actually led to the current problem. Now that it is six months into the marriage with no pregnancy forthcoming, Adama decided to pay Amina a visit with the usual verbal tirades she makes against Rabi. But it seems Amina is the no no-nonsense type. She gave Adama a verbal thrashing. She actually attempted to beat her. Amina succeeded in pushing Adama out of the house and warning her not to ever come to her house again.’’
‘’She apparently met her match.’’ I interjected.
‘’Yes she did but something new actually emerged. Adama came to Musa crying and asking him to divorce Amina because of the way she insulted even him during the scuffle. She was reported to have told the senior sister ‘How dare you to talk to me about that non-performing slacker?’
‘’What did she mean by that?”
‘’It turned out that Rabi had been patient with him on other issues apart from the infertility. His ability to perform his marital function has always been less than optimal. When he married Amina, there was a temporary improvement which lasted only one week. It then worsened to such an extent that he couldn’t do much anymore. This was what Amina was referring to when she called him that name. He is now really worried about the way forward.’’ Bashir said.
‘’I have always believed that open and sincere communication is the bedrocks of a successful marriage. In the first place, he should have availed himself of medical care. The fault could have come from either partner since it takes two to make a baby.  It is nonsense to think that the woman is responsible all the time. When the result showed that he was responsible for the infertility, he should have shared the problem with his wife. I’m sure he would have won her empathy, support and understanding in planning for his full medical care. And it was not fair to allow his family to heap the blame on Rabi. A strong man would have stood by his wife even if he does not wish to reveal to the family who among them was responsible’’. I said
‘’He has now accepted his mistakes and has finally visited the doctors’’.
‘’What did they tell him?’ I asked
‘’There was both good and bad news. He was given some drugs which have really improved his performance. But because of the delay, they felt his chance of impregnating a woman is very low indeed. However, they could try a test tube baby. This is done by fertilizing the egg with the sperm outside the human body and then when the baby starts to form, it is put into the womb of the woman. In his case, the doctors felt they may or may not succeed as his count is quite low. He is not sure of what he should do now.’’ Bashir lamented.
‘’I think he should call a family meeting and tell them everything and list the possible options. The inability of a family to bear a child is not the end of life. There are many people in worse situations. Some can’t see, others can’t hear while others are even paralysed. Musa should accept this as a trial from Almighty Allah.  However, each wife should be provided with full information to enable her take a decision.  I am sure they also have some less privileged relations. In addition, there are many orphans in the community. They could take some of them into the family.’’ I said
For the first time that morning, I noticed a smile on Bashir’s face as he patted my hand and said ‘’Thanks a lot Dijah dear, this is surely a way out.’