The Queen’s platinum embarrassments

Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of England and 14 Commonwealth realms aka Mama Charlie is on the verge of cementing history. She is the longest reigning English monarch in history. As the Queen of England and head of the Commonwealth of Nations, she is the only human on earth (apart from shoddy Nigerian politricians) that is […]

Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of England and 14 Commonwealth realms aka Mama Charlie is on the verge of cementing history. She is the longest reigning English monarch in history. As the Queen of England and head of the Commonwealth of Nations, she is the only human on earth (apart from shoddy Nigerian politricians) that is allowed to celebrate her birthday twice in a year. Until lately, she is the only married woman who is not obliged by law to take her husband’s last name.

Mama Charlie was enjoying a safari in Kenya 70 years ago when she was crowned the Queen. Since then, she has jettisoned any plans of being an ordinary human and settled for the role of the most powerful monarch in the Western hemisphere. If you ask royal watchers, she has discharged that responsibility with uncommon passion.

If you ask those who celebrate significant milestones, the Queen deserves to roll out the drums for her platinum jubilee, but only heaven could help her achieve that feat in June. The reasons are not far-fetched. Last year during a crippling corona (not a relative of the crown) lockdown, Her Majesty’s consort, Prince Philip was admitted to hospital. He would later die of old-age complications not related (that’s what they told us and we must believe them) to COVID-19.

In spite of her enormous power, the Queen mourned in silence (since royals are forbidden from shedding tears, that’s for commoners.) In church, she sat alone – stoic, resplendent, and ebullient without a calming arm to pat her on the back. In simplistic splendour, her husband deigned to rock the world, every dignitary kept away. Boris Johnson, the boy-man to whom the Queen assigned governance had imposed a lockdown and the Queen revealed that she was not above the law. That is as it should be.

It is now confirmed that Johnson only made rules to fool even the Queen. The one-time London mayor, serial divorcee and newspaper columnist does not live by his own rules. While the United Kingdom was locked down, the prime minister was holding binge drink sessions and booze parties. As we write, he is rallying fellow traitors in his defence. His supporters believe he is the modern phoenix that rises from the ashes of ignominy to shine brighter. Others want him gone. If he falls, it would be the best confirmation that karma is a bitch. Like Buhari campaigned for change, Johnson heckled and hounded Theresa May, his predecessor until the poor lady dropped her resignation bidding farewell to ‘the country I love’ in tears.

If that was the only trouble for Her Majesty, her subjects could still roll the drums in June. Unfortunately, when it rains, it pours. When the royal bard announced the birth of Charles the Prince of Wales 73 years ago, the whole world rejoiced. Nothing seals the succession lineage better than the birth of a son. Charles was groomed to succeed his mother. While royal matchmakers were combing the length and breadth of the commonwealth for a princess worthy of his heart, Charles core was with a girl a few months older – Camilla Rosemary Shand, aka Mrs Parker Bowles, aka Mrs. Charles the Duchess of Cornwall.

Royal matchmakers were not to let that happen. Not when they found a lady worth the crown – Diana Frances Spencer, beauty without blemish, who as Shakespeare’s Benvolio would have put it – was groomed to make the Prince think his swan a crow. The young prince accepted the betrothal and the two raised two young boys before the romance finally hit the rocks. Charles returned to his bella and Diana did not survive the intrigues. Tabloid journalists (not British ones) swear that is the reason Her Majesty is not in a hurry to pass the crown to her eldest son in spite of the limitations of her age. No western journalist would ask the Queen if there is truth to this conjecture.

Patriarchal royal etiquette forbade the Queen’s husband practically witnessing the birth of his children. But Queen Elizabeth had read a fad in America where husbands were present in the labour room. She conscripted her husband to witness the birth of their second son – Prince Andrew the beloved. While Charles has settled to the future assumption of royal duties as he regained his heartthrob, Andrew lives in the world of socialites, engaging in parties booze and wanton sex romps.

He found a peer in the late American socialite Jeffery Epstein who, court papers now say pimped 17-year-old Virginia Guiffre for his royal pleasure. Epstein took his own life rather than face the ignominy of the Me-Too movement. Guiffre came hard on the Queen’s beloved son forcing the randy prince back home to mother in the hope of being shielded by maternal immunity. Last week, his beloved mother stripped him of his royal and military titles. The Commonwealth of Nations followed suit with all charities and NGOs that once leveraged on his royal privileges disowning him.

The courts have ruled that Prince Andrews must return to the United States, the scene of crime to prove his innocence. If the prince ever bedded the young lass, it was an unremarkable encounter because his response to the allegation is simply – I don’t remember! Some says he was perhaps too wasted to remember. Whatever the answer, the prince is worth $25 million in assets and American courts are known to impoverish paedophiles. Andrew is fighting very hard to stay home and away from parties. History may dump him as it promises Boris Johnson. For all you care, they could form an association of boys behaving badly.

Her Majesty’s headaches do not end there. Prince Harry, Charles’ second son is a non-conformist. Rather than let royal matchmakers choose a bride for him, he made his own choice – a woman of colour, a divorcee with whom he has now raised two lovely children. Harry wants nothing to do with the scandals or even the wealth of his lineage. Not too long ago, he relinquished his royal privileges to be with his bella. He even moved to the US for her sake from where he podcasts stuff not palatable to royal palates.

At a time his uncle, Prince Andrew was setting fire to the royal heirloom, Harry has increased the mercury of criticism on the royal thermometer. He is suing the British establishment for according him royal escorts when he had asked to finance his own security and other expenses from his pocket. The suit has thrown more spanners in the works for the Queen’s 75th anniversary.

The icing on the cake of platinum embarrassments is the discovery of a Chinese ‘spy’ in Her Majesty’s parliament. MI5, Britain’s spy service has named lawyer Christine Lee as a Chinese spy. Ms Lee’s business page describes her as the legal adviser to the Chinese embassy in Britain. Her closeness to MPs was concerning enough for the spy agency to issue a note of warning. She has not been charged with any crime yet but the embarrassment is bound to add to Her Majesty’s Platinum headaches and cast a smudge on her happy celebration.