THE WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKES

SWEDEN Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. “I kick you as hard as I can […]

SWEDEN

Visiting the countryside on a hunting trip, the well-dressed man from Stockholm takes aim and shoots a duck. But the fowl drops into a farmer’s field, and the farmer claims it. Since both want it, the farmer suggests settling the dispute with an old fashioned hick-kick. “I kick you as hard as I can in your middle, then you do the same to me,” he explains. “Whoever screams the least gets the bird.” The city man agrees. So the farmer winds up and delivers a crushing blow to the man’s middle, and he collapses to the ground. Twenty minutes later, when he finally manages to stand, he gasps, “My turn.” “Nah,” says the farmer, turning away. “You can keep the duck.”

AMERICA

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

CZECH REPUBLIC

A man calls a radio deejay and says, “I’ve found a wallet with a hundred thousand Koruny [Czech money] inside. There’s also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.’ “So?” asks the deejay. “What do you want us to do?” “Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?”

FINLAND

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow’s son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I’ve just gotten here and everything’s set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. “P.S. It’s really hot!”

MEXICO

Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the ways of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. “Will the winter be bad?” he asks. “Looks like it,” is the answer. So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later, he calls again. “Are you positive the winter will be very cold?” “Absolutely!” The chief tells his people to gather even more firewood, then calls the Weather Service again: “Are you sure?” “I’m telling you, it’s going to be the coldest winter on record.” “How do you know?” “Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!”

PHILIPPINES

Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs. “I want to be a lawyer,” Joe began, “so that I can defend my countrymen.” “I want to be a congressman,” said Mike, “so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen.” “I want to be a doctor,” said Mary, “so that I can cure my countrymen.” “How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?” asked Joe. Tom thought a moment and replied, “I’d like to be a countryman.”

PORTUGAL

A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room. “Diploma,” the friend calls after her, “Bring us two cups of coffee.” “Diploma? What an odd name,” says the visitor. “How did she get it?” The friend sighs. “I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that’s what she came back with.”

SLOVENIA

As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-looking client and says, “Janez, what’s wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I’m really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.”

GERMANY

Wandering around a fairgrounds, a man enters a fortune-teller’s tent for a laugh. “I see you’re the father of two,” says the seer, gazing into her crystal ball. “Ha! That’s what you think,” says the man scornfully. “I’m the father of three.” “Ha!” says the fortune-teller. “That’s what you think.”

HUNGARY

Doctor: Have you taken my advice and slept with the window open?

Patient: Yes.

Doctor: So your asthma disappeared completely?

Patient: No, but my watch, TV, iPod, and laptop have.

INDIA

A business executive visits his dear Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn’t speak Mandarin. “Li kai yang qi guan!” says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: “Get off my oxygen tube.”

ROMANIA

Vlad gets pulled over after a high-speed car chase. “I’m going to help you out,” says the police officer. “Give me a good excuse and I won’t write you a ticket.” “Three weeks ago, my wife left me for a cop,” Vlad explains. “So when I saw your car coming, I thought you were trying to bring her back.”

SERBIA

A neighbour finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What’s the matter, honey?” she asks him. “It’s my father,” the boy sobs. “He hit his finger with a hammer.” “Then why are you crying?” “Because first I laughed!”

SWITZERLAND

Wife: Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush. Husband: Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.

SPAIN

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

FRANCE

President Sarkozy visits a steel factory. To the boss’s surprise, the president greets an employee, Morton, with a warm hug. The same thing happens when Barack Obama visits, and again during Vladimir Putin’s tour. Unimpressed, the boss says to Morton, “I bet you don’t know the pope.” Morton shrugs. “We play golf together.” The gauntlet has been tossed, and the boss pays their way to the Vatican. During the Benediction, Morton slips away. Sure enough, he reappears—side by side with the pope. Two Chinese tourists tap the boss on the shoulder and ask, “Who’s the guy in white standing with Morton?”