This silent persecution

‘Calm down Maimuna, what are you losing your cool over, this is the month of Ramadan when you should take everything in stride and dedicate yourself to worship. Here let me have the baby so we can walk into the parlour and talk.’ I replied taking the sleeping child from her and walking ahead. ‘Okay […]

‘Calm down Maimuna, what are you losing your cool over, this is the month of Ramadan when you should take everything in stride and dedicate yourself to worship. Here let me have the baby so we can walk into the parlour and talk.’ I replied taking the sleeping child from her and walking ahead.

‘Okay Aunty, but I can’t help losing my head sometimes. Marriage to TJ is becoming so unbearable. It’s almost as if he enjoys persecuting me.’ She wailed sitting on the settee next to me.

‘So let’s start from the beginning. What did he do to persecute you?’I asked.

‘He is deliberately starving me of everything, except possibly food. The latest is that he refused to buy me any Sallah clothes. After all I’ve been through, cooking iftar and Sahur meals, entertaining his guests every few days, he looked at me and said I did not need new clothes that I had enough so I should learn to be grateful. Meanwhile this was the same thing he said when the baby was born and he refused to buy me any nursing clothes, you know the traditional wrappers and stuff.

At the time his excuse was that we had only been married 10months so I had un-sewn cloth materials and I did not need to acquire more. Then in spite of his meanness other people brought me those same wrappers as gifts. It kind of dampened the pain of what he did. Now three months later, he is using the same thing against me. He said I got too many clothes after I delivered so I did not need Sallah clothes. How far will he go to deprive me of clothes? Until everything I own is torn and tattered?’ she demanded.

‘No, I don’t think that is his point. I think his point is that when you have too much already, there is no need for any extravagant spending.’ I offered.

‘But he didn’t even buy the ones he is accusing me of hoarding. Friends and well-wishers gave me as baby shower.’ She countered.

‘Yes but he bought the ones that were still un-sewn by the time you had your child. He bought them as part of his wedding gift to you. And be considerate, if after 10 months of marriage you are yet to finish sewing what TJ brought before the wedding, then that must mean he did his best at the time.’ I argued.

‘But they serve different purposes, Aunty. The wedding gift is a pre-wedding requirement, the after delivery gift is like a ‘congrats and thank you for delivering my child’ gift. Then the Sallah clothes serve their own purpose, to get you dressed up for Eid day and to compensate you for the extra labour of Ramadan.’ Maimuna listed.

‘Well in ideal circumstances that is how it should be, special clothes for every occasion. And who said you are to be compensated for the labour of Ramadan? That is not written in any book as far as I know, but a man can, on his own, do something special for his wife if he wished. However your husband is a young man trying to set up a family. He has to consider his priorities whenever he spends. If you have a lot of new clothes, surely buying you more clothes cannot be a priority. Especially now that he has to add the baby’s expenses to everything he does.  Surely you know that he doesn’t pick the diapers you use from the streets, and he does not have anyone to pay your and the baby’s medical bills. He has to plan well to meet his obligations to the two of you and to his extended family as well.’ I urged.

‘That is just it Aunty Bint. In spite of everything, he was able to buy Sallah clothes for his mother and siblings. When I saw him moving some stuff from the back seat to the boot I didn’t even spare them a thought. But the moment we reached his family home he brought everything out and began to distribute. I just couldn’t believe that he could afford to buy that much. There was something for everyone except me. And not one of them will believe that the Father Id-el-Fitr   who came with me has actually forgotten that charity begins at home. Will they even listen if I were to tell them that the last time he bought me anything, apart from food, was before we got married?’ She wailed wiping away the tears.

‘Now please Maimuna there is no need to cry. Maybe it was wrong of him to say he wouldn’t buy you Sallah clothes and then rub it in by buying for his mother and siblings but try to see things from another perspective. The only explanation is the one he gave you. You have a suitcase full of un-sewn clothes, you do not need new ones. Even the sewn ones are just a year old or less because you have only been married 13 months. Why would you get yourself all worked up because of something you don’t really need Maimuna?’I urged.

‘This is exactly what Mother said when we discussed this same issue’ she answered sobbing. ‘I thought you would think a little differently since you are more modern and I am sure Uncle Tahir never treated you this way. I never thought you would agree entirely with Mother, that’s why I came for your advice. But where did I go wrong, why can’t I demand my rights to fair treatment. Islam says he should feed clothe and shelter me, what is wrong with demanding what is my due from him?’ Maimuna cried.

‘Nothing is wrong, except the fact that there is no such need. The key word here is ‘need’ Maimuna. You have no need for what you are demanding because you have too much of it already.’ I insisted.

‘Half of which he didn’t buy’ She argued.

‘Yes, he didn’t buy the baby shower clothes, but they are there anyway and he will surely end up paying for the sewing. So try to be more understanding. I think your problem is because you don’t work you have no idea how hard money is to come by and why people have to prioritise their needs. We must get you a job soon Maimuna, then you will learn about life’s little realities. If you like I can talk to your husband about the need to be more sensitive to your feelings in matters like this. But you must also know that there is more to life than getting all you want. Try to be more spiritual, ponder on the lessons of Ramadan, you know the self-denial, the sacrifices, the extra-generosity and goodwill, then be grateful to God that you were part of it. In the end it is not the number or quality of clothes that you wore that people will remember when you die, it is how well you lived your life and how you treated them. Trust your mother and me, life is more about giving than taking.’ I advised, handing her baby back to her.

‘Ok Aunty, thanks very much. This last bit really helped because initially all I could see was me being persecuted and nothing else. I am glad you made me see things differently. But yes I would really like you to talk to TJ, I will greatly appreciate some little kind gestures in our relationship.’ She said rising up from the settee and putting her baby on the shoulder.