Three wild rumours
She picked up a packet of Lipton tea from the cupboard and headed towards the door, so I said, “You did not answer my question. Who are the people who are saying things about me and what is it they are saying?” To my surprise she continued going towards the door and as she opened […]
She picked up a packet of Lipton tea from the cupboard and headed towards the door, so I said, “You did not answer my question. Who are the people who are saying things about me and what is it they are saying?” To my surprise she continued going towards the door and as she opened it, I heard her say under her breath, “You will not hear about the emir’s death from my mouth.”
The emir’s death? I was briefly confused, but I remembered that this is a classic Hausa saying which means I will not hear a terrible story from her. Falmata is Kanuri but she has picked up many Hausa proverbs and parables in the 10 years she has lived with me. I got up and followed her to her room. “What did they say I did?” “Me, I don’t know,” she replied. “What do you mean you don’t know? Were you not the one who just told me that people are saying things about me? You better tell me what it is!”
Falmata resolutely refused to tell, so I had a premonition that it must be something awful as I went downstairs to meet a visitor I was told was waiting for me. Tsinin Kusa was standing in the living room when I entered. “Aargh! Tsini, why didn’t you sit down?” “Alhaji,” he said, “this one is not a matter of sitting down. Maikaho is not yet back from the village so I thought I should come and see you. This rumour that people are spreading.” “Which rumour?” I asked. Tsinin Kusa has imbibed many mannerisms of his master Maikahon Karo. He walked over to the window, pulled out a cigarette and lighted it before he said, “It is terrible what they are saying, the people of this town. They are saying that when you were working in Abuja you were caught with your secretary in the toilet. That it was because you bribed the security guard that caught you, that was why you were not exposed.”
“Who said that?” I was beside myself with rage. “Who said that? Let us go to Abuja and ask! Let us go to all the places where I worked and ask if anyone caught me in the toilet! Me that has three wives! Even if I wanted to do private practice in Abuja, there are 1,000 hotels there! Why should I go inside the toilet? In short, who told you this story?” “They are telling the story in the market and even around the mosque,” he said. “It was our boys that came and told me, that people were telling them how can you become the governor when you ran away from Abuja after being caught in a toilet?”
“It’s a lie!” I found myself shouting. “So that was what Falmata heard and she could not bring herself to say! Who is it that is spreading this lie against me?” Maikahon Karo walked in at that point. “Maikaho, have you heard the rumour they are spreading against me? It’s a lie, nothing like that ever happened! Let’s go to Abuja and find out!”
“Calm down Alhaji, calm down,” Maikaho said. He removed his cap and placed it on the table, revealing his balding head. “It is just that we are under attack.” “Attack? From where?” “From Goshin Bauna,” Maikaho said. “This is only one of the rumours they are spreading. On my way back from the village now I picked two other rumours. It was Goshin Bauna’s men who went to different motor parks and planted the rumours, from where they spread to the markets and mosques. They are trying to throw us off-balance and to pay us back in our own coins.”
A’ah! The thing is getting serious. “Which other rumours did they spread?” “That when you were in the Ministry of Health, you ate the money meant for buying polio vaccines. That the Whiteman who donated the money was very angry with you and he reported you to the police.” This time I forced myself to calm down. “And which is the third rumour they spread?” “That when you were in Abuja you belonged to one club where you used to do naked parties. That all the club members including married women will strip and all of you will dive into the swimming pool.” I didn’t know when I flared up again. “Who said that?” I shouted. “Me, I never belonged to any club in Abuja, even the one where people were dressed up not to talk of where people stripped naked! May Allah punish whoever it is that spread this rumour! Don’t they know I have wives and children? How can they go and spread lies against me like this?”
Maikaho sat down calmly while I flew into a tantrum. Finally he spoke. “Alhaji, in politics this is a normal thing. Our rivals will do everything they can to embarrass us, including by spreading wild rumours. It is Goshin Bauna’s work. Let us sit down and decide what to do. Tsinin Kusa and I are your top aides in this political project. It is good to tell us if any of the rumours is true so that we will know how to handle it.”
I again flared up. “Maikaho, what do you mean I should tell you if it is true? You mean I was caught in the toilet or I chopped the money for polio vaccines or that I was seen naked diving into a swimming pool with married women? You that I think you are my friends, you believe that I can do any of those things? I am disappointed in you Maikaho and you too Tsinin Kusa!”
I picked up my newspaper and made to leave the room in anger. The last thing I heard Tsinin Kusa say was, “Alhaji, please calm down. We are very sorry. It is just that whatever people here are told that Abuja people did, they think Abuja people can do more than that.”