To Sai Baba, I remain loyal

You would think that if Naija is going to export anything to America under the Donald, it should explore the American Growth and Opportunities Act, AGOA. It is the only old policy that escaped the fiery rhetoric of the Trump campaign. It could fetch us needed foreign exchange before the gate of mercy is finally […]

You would think that if Naija is going to export anything to America under the Donald, it should explore the American Growth and Opportunities Act, AGOA. It is the only old policy that escaped the fiery rhetoric of the Trump campaign. It could fetch us needed foreign exchange before the gate of mercy is finally closed. Instead, I was shocked and dismayed to see Sai Baba’s almajirai on the streets of Washington DC doing what they did best when their candidate lost past elections -burning vehicles, looting property and beating people up.

They didn’t stop at that, just because Sai Baba was not invited to the inauguration, unlike his predecessor President Jones who snubbed Trump and ended up playing ayo in Ota, these street urchins lined up the venue of one of the inaugural balls, splashing water on gaily dressed Trumpers. After he has displayed for our perusal, the number of Fulani heads he has personally chopped off without reprisals, we may need the services of Apostle of Hate, Johnson Suleiman to avert more economic crisis. If your pastor urges you to kill, first let him show you how.

It took several days to finally persuade Yahya Jammeh to empty the Gambian treasury, load up his dollars and Rolls Royce into a waiting plane, and out of Banjul, but not many of us were as interested. Instead, global attention was focused on American presidential inauguration, perhaps because our Naira might suffer more free falls when Trump decides to send back Naija illegals whose cash, not our exports have propped up our foreign reserves. This is why our security forces ought to have been more circumspect dealing with the gang of deplorable Biafrauds jubilating in Port Harcourt after tracing their ancestry to the new American First Lady, Melania Trump. This ancestral trace makes every Biafraud a Trump in-law. If Sai Baba knew what is good for him, he should be mining such consanguinity instead of making deals with Naija-Delta militants and wasting the protesters.

The palpable fear in government circles is whether Melania agrees with the DNA results of these her estranged kinsfolks. We may be in trouble if she is the 2017 version of Queen Esther, the wife of the Persian King Ahasuerus. It is a dangerous thing to infuriate the in-laws of the man who has the keys to the potential battle of Armageddon especially when he is officially permitted to use it. The Donald wouldn’t give a rat’s behind to start the test on those who attempt to harm the relatives of his wife. Those in doubt should ask the KKK who are elated about Trumps emergence. If I were Sai Baba, this is the time to finally seal an accord with these deplorables before someone passes Trump’s official number to Nnamdi Kanu by which time the damage would have become irreparable.

So, Naija pundits are not encouraged by Trump’s emergence in America. Except for the facts already stated in this missive, I would have wondered why we are so concerned about what happens several thousands of miles from home. We have several local fishes to fry such as the improperly buried question of Biafraud. We have Boko Haram which we have decapitated. We have southern Kaduna where two religious groups are lighting the embers of hatred using the matches of ethnicity. There are other flashpoints in other parts of Naija as witches and wizards are working assiduously to prevent electricity generation and distribution knowing that they work better with darkness, oh Aniebo!

But here we are, gloating about the second plagiarism to dog the Trump presidency forgetting that the Donald is not writing a thesis and cannot be sued for lifting other people’s intellectual materials. As a matter of fact, as things stand, anyone whose intellectual property is stolen by an American president should count themselves lucky for finally being recognized by Google.

For me, there are things I saw about the Trump inauguration that should set peoples minds thinking except that thinking is a hard job that nobody likes to do. Hilary Clinton put the rancid politics of the campaign era aside to attend the inauguration of her worst rival. So did other notable Democrats. By attending the inauguration and balls, they plagiarised Waziri Ibrahim’s politics without bitterness. Compare that to past roles played by Sai Baba when and where he was needed for national entente after losing past elections and you realise why Borno is missing an opportunity to get paid for a global brand. Long before inauguration, Trump already forwarded names of key cabinet positions to the Congress and got some approvals after a very tedious hearing process. Yes, the Republicans control the Congress but there was no ‘bow and go’ for any nominee. Sai Baba’s cabinet of ex-this and ex-that came six months after, leading us nowhere. As promised, Trump signed several executive orders a few minutes after taking the oath of office. Well, here is a reason why our elders warned that comparing one child’s best performance with another’s dull performance may infuriate us so much that we could beat the other to death. To Sai Baba and Sai Babarians, I am still loyal!