“Tom, Dick and dem sister Harriet” presidential candidates

Why does it seem that every undesirable wants to be president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria? Because leading Nigeria has been so cheapened.  Think about it: you need no actual qualification.  You can present dubious certificates to the electoral commission and bluff your way through the process.  Tell them anything.  I mean, if your […]

Why does it seem that every undesirable wants to be president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria?

Because leading Nigeria has been so cheapened.  Think about it: you need no actual qualification.  You can present dubious certificates to the electoral commission and bluff your way through the process.  Tell them anything.  I mean, if your Olympics medals are being held in Google cloud storage, let them go and challenge Google in court to prove that you never went to the Olympics!

It is the only job on earth in which you do not have to possess character or commitment, or special knowledge or skills such as a track record of achievement or management or leadership, or an understanding of process or governance or institutions.  You do not have to have seen a copy of the constitution let alone read it. 

Speaking of literacy, you do not need to have read any book or document relating to the country: just memorize a few phrases and cliches and beat everyone over the head with them like a police baton until they put you in office. 

In a true democracy, being president or head of government is both feared and revered because underneath the bells and whistles of power, it is the utmost responsibility or trust. 

It means work, work, and more work.  It means dedication and affirmation.  It means surrendering your personal dreams and ambitions in favor of just one: using all the powers accruing to you from the constitution to serve the entire people, not just those who voted for you or whom you love. 

And all of that must be done in a fishbowl: what the president eats or doesn’t eat, what he wears or doesn’t wear, what he owns or doesn’t own is the business of all: even faceless, jobless, and malicious social media denizens.

That is heavy lifting.  The occupant signs up to a life in which, although he is the most powerful person, he is the servant of all and responsible to all.  He can talk, but he really cannot talk back.  If he fights with his wife, he had better not fight with his wife.

The life of the president is the life of everyone else in the republic.  He must be prepared not simply to make difficult decisions, but to be so transparent that anyone can see that he made the best decision with all the information at his disposal, and without hiding one penny of comfort or consolation for himself.

In a true democracy, that is.

But Nigeria is different.  It is a democracy in denial.  In it, the president does not serve; he concedes.  That is, he serves himself, and concedes what is left to anyone else, especially those public officials whose define their work not as public service but as service of the president.

What this achieves is that the office of the president is a glorified traditional rulership: the president sits in royal splendor overseeing a sea of servers and servants.  They come to pay homage to him, rather than serve the country, and he dispenses and disburses the favors of his office.  He grants to the powerful and highly-placed, appointments and contracts and money and other favors. 

A Nigerian president does not simply play God.  He worships himself.  He determines who is the sinner and who is the saint, who eats and who starves, who lives and who dies.  He determines what day and time it is and what obligations he does not owe.  If you are president of Nigeria, you are without sin and without precedent.  You are beyond man.

Such power would fill the humble with great dread, but it does not trouble anyone who believes that he is nearly God.  This explains this moment in Nigeria where “every Tom, Dick and dem sister Harriet” is declaring he is the next president. 

To arrive at this point, notice that you must have lived: controversially and with great authority.  You must be rich, but not nearly rich enough, or claim to be poor knowing you can manipulate the system.  This means you must have held previous high office, usually of a public kind, in which you acquired a certain reputation. 

To arrive at this point, your achievements and “wealth” must be questionable, and on continued, consistent questioning.  In addition, you must have a strong aversion to publicly defending your name, in your own words, with eagerness and vigor.  This includes developing strong expertise in avoiding the mass media.

The point is: if you want to be president of Nigeria, you must have heavy baggage: decades of doubt and dubiousness played out in the public.  If your baggage has been so much that it has occasionally spilled into courtrooms and perhaps even jail, that is the stench of presidential qualification. 

If you really want to be president of Nigeria, one of the most important elements in your toolkit is ignorance of the issues confronting the country.  Elsewhere, we know, prospective leaders basically advertise for the position not on billboards or sacks or rice but in public engagements with citizens and the mass media where they show off their familiarity with the issues and how, should they win, they would solve problems. 

But this is Nigeria, we know: a fake democracy with no memory, no sight and no ambition, and the job of president is simply to hold court, not solve problems.  That is why it is not a key element for this office that you must be in vigorous health.  Why is the gift of sight necessary when others will tell Nigerians that under your watch, they are experiencing miracles? 

That is why, as president, you expect to learn nothing and read nothing.  Worry not that the position may only expose your ignorance: once in office you would simply be “Mr. President” and your job would be to look important and read speeches you do not know what they mean.

If you really want to be president of Nigeria, you must begin by ignoring the citizens.  They are only tangentially relevant to your ambition.  Hitch your wagon to previous holders of that office, particularly if they are former military officers. 

This is because those invisible voting detachments they control in the clouds and the mountains are far more important in a democracy than every registered voter.   Visit them.  Worship them.  Beg them.  Make promises to them, including that in exchange for their support, during your presidency no security agencies will ever question or expose them or their friends, mistresses or unlisted children anywhere on earth.

Why not be president?  Even if you turn out to be the scum of the earth, you will have greedy and shameless servants praising your name.  And all those things you were previously accused of?  You will purge them from the records and you will live in luxury for ever after with all those who want your old position coming to beg for your support!