Top 18 marriage killers

The first 7 years of marriage are formative years. It is a critical period. The relationship is fragile. The man must take a break from war the first year to be with his wife and blend. You discover each other from a different perspective. For the first time, you confront problems and challenges as a […]

The first 7 years of marriage are formative years. It is a critical period. The relationship is fragile. The man must take a break from war the first year to be with his wife and blend. You discover each other from a different perspective. For the first time, you confront problems and challenges as a team. You swim or sink together. Many different problems rear their heads at this time. The relationship is sorely tested. Before the wedding you were worried about the wedding but now the concerns are different: money, children, in-laws, etc.
Any one of the following evils can rip your relationship to shreds if given a place in your lives:
1. Constant squabbles. I came across this scripture recently during my quiet time. The Lord drew my attention to something most people usually overlook but is very dangerous. Mark 3:24 (NLT), “A kingdom at war with itself will collapse. 25A home divided against itself is doomed.” The MSG translation says, “A constantly squabbling family disintegrates.” The Contemporary English Version puts it this way: “And a family that fights won’t last long either.”  Avoid fighting each other; fight the devil. Some people are more polite to strangers than to their own family, and we really try to avoid that. We treat each other, not as good as, but better than we treat other people. We are very polite to each other. I’m polite to our son. We don’t speak disrespectfully to each other as husband and wife and our son was never allowed to be disrespectful to us or to other adults. He grew up highly cultured. Strong families show kindness, respect, and practice courtesy with each other. Hug each other, kiss each other as many times as possible in a day. Express your love as often as you can daily.
2.  Over-commitment and physical exhaustion. Beware of this danger. It is especially dangerous for young couples who are trying to get started in a profession or in school. Do not try to go to university, work full-time, have a baby, manage a toddler, fix up a house and start a business at the same time. It sounds ridiculous, but many young couples do just that and are then surprised when their marriage falls apart. Why wouldn’t it? The only time they see each other is when they are worn out! It is especially dangerous to have the husband vastly over committed and the wife staying home with a preschooler. Her profound loneliness builds discontent and depression; we all know where that leads. You must reserve time for one another if you want to keep your love alive. Eat and talk together regularly. Do some family activities together. Take a trip together once a year.
3. Selfishness and immaturity. Selfishness and immaturity go hand in hand. Marriage is not a 50-50 proposition. It is both partners giving 100% – 100% of the time.
Selfishness is having too much concern with one’s own welfare or interests and having little or no concern for others.
I am convinced that healthy, happy, Biblical marriages hinge on each partner learning to put the other first.
Selfishness is a key characteristic of immature people. Typically the more immature you are the more selfish you are.
1Corinthians 7:3 (MSG), 3The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality-the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband.
There are two kinds of people in the world, GIVERS and the TAKERS. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is the order of the day for a marriage between a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other’s eyes out within a period of weeks. Selfishness will devastate a marriage every time.
4. Spiritual disobedience. When you disobey God, your marriage is in danger. There is no promise of protection for those who live in the land of disobedience.
I believe Christians ought to have better marriages than non believers. After all…
We have God’s Spirit to guide us.
We have God’s Word to instruct us in how to live as a couple.
We have learned what it means to forgive and be forgiven.
We have Christ’s model of selflessness and unconditional love to follow.
I just think Christian marriages should look different and be better than marriages where Christ is not a part.
Our faith, if it is real, should make a difference not only in the way that we live, but in the way we interact as husbands and wives….
5. Ineffective conflict resolution. One Sunday a minister was finishing up a series on marriage. At the end of the service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, “Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of God’s commands and you won’t argue as much.”
One woman came up after the service and said, “I need five of those crosses.”
We have to learn to work through our disagreements in a healthy and effective manner. Effective conflict resolution is a necessary part of communicating as couples. That’s because there will always be conflict.
It’s about your attitude and approach toward conflict.
Don’t be afraid of conflict. Just learn to handle it in a Biblical and effective manner.
6. Unrealistic expectations. Did you know that 100% of marriages are imperfect? That’s the truth. Still, almost all newlyweds feel that they’re the exception. They’ll have the perfect marriage.
It is foolish to expect a perfect marriage between two imperfect people. Some couples come into marriage wearing rose coloured glasses and anticipating rose-covered cottages with white picket fences, and walks down primrose lanes.
Unrealistic expectations often cause us to expect more from our mate than they are capable of delivering. The consequent disappointment is an emotional trap. We have to work to bring our expectations in line with reality. Nobody is perfect.
7. Alcohol or substance abuse. These are killers, not only of marriages, but also of people. Avoid them like the plague.
I have heard all of the arguments about social drinking, and not getting drunk, and all of that. Even if I could handle it, I choose abstinence first in protest to what it has done to so many lives, so many families, and so many careers. Absolute devastation! I also choose abstinence as a witness and example to my children and future grandchildren. I would hate for them to see me do something that later brought the devastation to their lives and families that alcohol and substance abuse so often brings.
(To be continued…)
Bishop Dr. Charles Olowojoba is the General Overseer of Dayspring Bible Church Worldwide with HQ in Abuja, Nigeria & President, Dayspring Christian Ministries Int’l.  [email protected]
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