Ukraine is no laughing matter

I have been fascinated by Ukraine [The Ukraine, as it was called at the time] since my primary school days. It was the second most important country after Russia in the old Soviet Union. In our secondary school Economic Geography course, we read a lot about Ukraine’s Donets and Russia’s Kuznetz Basins, known as Donbas […]

I have been fascinated by Ukraine [The Ukraine, as it was called at the time] since my primary school days. It was the second most important country after Russia in the old Soviet Union. In our secondary school Economic Geography course, we read a lot about Ukraine’s Donets and Russia’s Kuznetz Basins, known as Donbas and Kusbas. Ukraine also featured prominently in Operation Barbarossa, Adolf Hitler’s 1941 plan to conquer the USSR. He called Ukraine “the breadbasket of the Soviet Union.”

Our discussion today is no laughing matter even though it concerns a famous Ukrainian comedian. Eight days ago, many Nigerians joined millions of people around the world to gasp with astonishment when a professional television comedian won Ukraine’s presidential election run off with a landslide 74% of the votes. Volodymyr Zelensky is known in his country only for playing the role of the president in a popular television comedy series. Yet, he defeated the incumbent, Petro Poroshenko, the chocolate magnate who has ruled the country since 2014. Zelensky’s entire campaign consisted of viral videos, standup comedy gigs and jokes but no policies or programs. That rings a bell in Nigeria.

Many Nigerians are seething because Ukrainians have beaten us to a good idea. When you think about it, politics in this country is a tragi-comedy and we should have long ago placed it in the hands of professional actors and comedians. Most of our politicians here are actors, albeit amateur ones. From the minister who said Nigerian doctors are free to flee abroad because we have a surfeit of them to the governor who said a state can be successfully governed from the air, Nigeria is one big night comedy stage.

Majority of our politicians are also comedians, albeit with unfunny scripts. From the minister who promised to import Brazilian ox semen to inseminate our cows while millions of local bulls stand idly by to the governor who told a market woman to go and die, our comedy scripts here are badly written. Nigerian infrastructure projects are mostly farcical; Ajaokuta Steel has been under construction for 40 years, under ten different presidents. Two of those presidents left the project uncompleted and returned to office decades later, only to find it still uncompleted. Mambilla Hydro-electric Dam has been on the drawing board since 1982.

Nigerian national projects are mostly comic strips. In 1975, the government promised ‘Health for all by the Year 2000’ but 19 years after the deadline, our doctors are fleeing abroad and a minister egged them on. In 1976, the Federal Government launched Universal Free Primary Education [UPE]. Thirteen years later when UPE was still floundering, government upgraded it to Universal Basic Education [UBE]. Another ten years later, 12 million children are still out of school. The Millennium Development Goals that our government launched in 2000 AD was another comic strip. Its 2015 target date has since elapsed but none of the goals has been realized.

Coming back to Ukraine, many observers were amazed that Zelensky was elected with a landslide even though he had no political experience and he espoused no policies or programs. Well, welcome to Nigeria. In our recent presidential and general elections, no one knew what the major candidates’ economic programs were. Reporters say that Zelensky “presents a riddle for investors;” who told them that the re-elected Administration here in Nigeria is not an enigma to our investors and their foreign counterparts? As at today, no one knows if it will accept IMF’s advice to end fuel subsidies, whether or not it will sell its four refineries, whether the Central Bank will continue its costly weekly interventions to prop up the naira, or even, whether the 2019 federal budget will come into force before the Administration’s current tenure ends next month.

Reporters who covered the Ukrainian polls also said Zelensky is an enigma to both the West and Russia, which are competing for influence in the former Soviet country. Is he the only one? Neither ECOWAS nor the African Union and nor even OPEC are certain what Nigeria’s foreign policy goals are. Niger Republic, Chad and Cameroon are trying to help us to fight Boko Haram but given our history of expelling Ghanaians by the millions, they are not so sure.

Ukraine currently has one third of its eastern territory overrun by pro-Russian rebels openly supported by President Vladimir Putin, but no one knows what Zelensky’s policy is towards the war. He is not alone. Boko Haram and ISWAP are still waging a murderous war in our Lake Chad Region while kidnappers and bandits have nearly overrun our North West region. While the Police Inspector General blamed miners for the quagmire, the Defence Minister blamed traditional rulers for supporting the bandits while the emirs blamed Nigerian Air Force for bombing civilians. Apart from these blame games, no one is sure what government’s plan is to finish off Boko Haram and resettle millions of IDPs.

Apart from sponsoring armed rebels, Russia outrightly annexed Ukraine’s Crimea Region, site of the 1943 Big Four Allied conference. No one has heard what Zelensky’s Crimea plan is.  Is he alone? Boko Haram, which is less mighty than the Russian Army, has occupied Sambisa and Alagarno forests for a decade and government has not unveiled a plan to take them back. Now bandits have borrowed a leaf from Boko Haram and have taken over every bush in Zamfara and Katsina states, in Birnin Gwari and along the Abuja-Kaduna highway.

In his victory speech on Sunday night, Zelensky said, “Thanks to all the Ukrainian citizens who voted for me, and to all who didn’t. I promise I won’t mess up.” Wont mess up! What a promise! I personally hope that the men and women we elected at all levels during our elections in February and March will promise that they will not mess up. Such a promise is more important than reciting the long-winding, grammar-laden oath of office written in the Constitution. Please let us replace that oath with a simple promise that they will not mess up.

Messing up in Nigeria begins from abandoning every project started by one’s predecessor, to assuming office without a program of rule, to immediately employing supporters and further bloating the civil service payroll, to dipping hands in the treasury in order to finance politics. One of the most oft repeated phrases in Nigerian national life, at various levels, is that “the former ruler is better than the current one.” So please, even if you will not improve anything, please don’t mess things up some more. Zelensky has already started messing up because after voting in Kiev, he displayed his ballot paper to waiting television cameras. Displaying the ballot is illegal under Ukrainian law. The police promptly admonished him and said he now faces a fine of up to £24. When Mrs. Aisha Buhari voted in Daura and President Buhari leaned over and peeped at her ballot paper, which is illegal here, the police did not admonish him.

President-elect Zelensky faces an accusation that sounds very familiar in Nigeria. Critics accuse him of having an excessively close relationship with the powerful oligarch Ihor Kolomoisky, who owns the TV channel that broadcasts Zelensky’s comedy shows. Kolomoisky once owned PrivatBank, Ukraine’s largest bank which was nationalized three years ago. The fear is that the new president will either hand it back to his godfather or pay him a hefty compensation. In Nigeria here, many elected officials at various levels were elected at the instance of godfathers and are preparing to repay hefty bills. Zelensky will be at home in Nigeria.

Many voters told reporters after Ukraine’s vote that voters did not vote for Zelensky, that they only voted to reject Poroshenko because he woefully failed to deliver on his promises. Does that sound familiar in Bauchi, Imo, Oyo and Adamawa? One woman voter even said after Ukraine’s vote, “My nephew has been on the frontline in Donbass. What kind of country would put a clown in charge of its armed forces during a war?”