Wanted: a new APC entry qualification

Okugbe earned the unenviable title of bastard when he betted on his own paternity that the opposition APC would not last a year. That prediction fell flat, and the little APC boat is in the shipyard for expansion having torpedoed the giant vessel that was the ruining party. Prophets got it wrong and Okugbe hasn’t […]

Okugbe earned the unenviable title of bastard when he betted on his own paternity that the opposition APC would not last a year. That prediction fell flat, and the little APC boat is in the shipyard for expansion having torpedoed the giant vessel that was the ruining party. Prophets got it wrong and Okugbe hasn’t been to the prophet’s retreat in a decade.
My greatest fear is that the APC boat is taking too many passengers it may start listing before it hits the docks. Talking about jumping ships and prophecies, two deputy governors made a gamble before they had consulted their boka. An older and more experienced Ali Olanusi of Ondo creeks landed on solid grounds but his inexperienced Rivers’ counterpart, Tele Ikuru having jumped prematurely, dropped in piranha and shark-infested waters – as they say in creek circles, may his struggles see him through. That has forced a re-adjustment of the prayer template of some churches where they now say – may you not jump ship at the threshold of your miracle.
A new membership criterion may be needed in APC at the rate we’re going. We may need the services of those professors who stutter and stammer before Attahiru Jega but are academic terrorists to their students. The same way JAMB introduced post-UME admission procedures, APC should subject decampees to change tests before admitting them. Some decampees deserve purgatory time until they have purified themselves of their PDP sins.
In established democ-racies, party loyalty is a badge of honour worth as much as inheritance and passed on from generation to generations. Francois Hollande will not jump to the Front Nationale in France, David Cameron would not become a UKIP member and Barack Obama is unlikely to decamp to the Tea Party in the US. Canada’s Tom Mulcair and Justin Trudeau are unlikely to become conservatives under any guise. Just because Vincent Ogbulafor’s prediction that PDP would ruin Naija unchallenged for sixteen years was misinterpreted by the media to read sixty – the once largest party in Africa is fast becoming the loneliest party. Even fake prophets who promised to seize the keys of hell from satan and send APC there have shifted gear. Is this what they mean by failure is a bastard?
The maiguards of the narrow gates of change should not be trying to expand the doors to all-comers. They should reinforce the gates and make camels slim down to pass through the eye of the needle. They should create a purgatory and dump the paperweights who until now were playing outside their own league and feeling giddy about it. They should keep dogs outside the camp and spare us the horror of watching them eating their own vomit.
What is all these noise about who becomes president of the sinnate? Did I hear reports that David Bonaventure may cross the carpet in a bid to keep his throne in the red chambers now that his state is overrun by decampees? Charles Airhiavbere, PDP’s gubernatorial candidate in Edo and President Jones’ campaign coordinator has decamped. Other hitherto loyal PDP members now behave like common touts (apology to President Jones) – they tear their membership cards in the public.
Meanwhile, somebody should warn the press to stop sniffing out people’s intentions. These days, a woman cannot make a pilgrimage to Minna to see Father Christmas in April without the press saying she’s lobbying for soft or safe-landing. Ugonna Madueke has been forced to issue an apology for his opulent lifestyle and to ensure that “all my actions in future will be sensitive to the plight of all.” The missing N20 billion has allegedly been found in an unmarked bank account. Buhari’s missing certificate has been traced along with a Master’s degree in strategy according to – wait for it – NTA which now bores us with a re-run of a documentary that smells on Buhari’s image better than Clive Christian’s signature scent – Imperial Majesty. Digbolugi Ayo Fayose has pledged allegiance as he waits to enter the Guinness Book of Records as the first governor on earth to be impeached twice. Asari Dokubo and Ganiyu Adams have changed their operational motto to AGIP – any government in power. Even President Jones was campaigning for understanding in case Buhari increases value added tax from five to ten percent. Mama Shippo has sent a congratulatory letter to Buhari’s wife sealing the deal that they would be handing over the Rock to the almajirai. Chai, these stories that the media is sharing, there is God o. Kontinu!