Wanted: ministerial banzai warriors

One vacancy was created in the less fancied Ministry of Youth Development a month ago when President Jonathan unceremoniously removed the minister, Barrister Inuwa Abdulkadir. The president was yet to fill this vacancy when he created nine more vacancies last Wednesday. To put it in a language that youthful Premier League devotees will understand, it […]

One vacancy was created in the less fancied Ministry of Youth Development a month ago when President Jonathan unceremoniously removed the minister, Barrister Inuwa Abdulkadir. The president was yet to fill this vacancy when he created nine more vacancies last Wednesday. To put it in a language that youthful Premier League devotees will understand, it was like a coach who pulled out a winger from his team in the middle of a match. Before he could send in a substitute, he pulled out a striker, a defender and the goalkeeper as well.  
The vacancies created by last Wed-nesday’s surprise shake up of the Federal Executive Council (FEC) include, to use Nigerian political parlance, three of the juiciest posts in the cabinet line up. The Education Ministry just vacated by Mrs. Ruqayyatu Rufa’i may look unappetizing right now due to the prolonged ASUU strike but with its 20 plus parastatals and more than 100 federal universities, polytechnics and colleges of education it is a Nigerian politician’s contract-generation equivalent of the Afam power station.
The Defence Ministry recently vacated by Mrs. Olusola Obada was not much fancied by Nigerian politicians when Boko Haram violence was at its peak. The whirlwind from an improvised explosive device (IED) carefully planted by an insurgent could blow away your ministerial chair, as it did to the technocratically very able Dr. Bello Haliru Mohamed last year. Even without Boko Haram, the Defence Minister’s chair is challenging because soldiers tend to look down upon every politician who does not have a military background. Yet, Defence is a Nigerian politician’s idea of heaven on earth since its contracts are not subject to open tender. Did you ever open a newspaper page and see MOD inviting bids for the supply of T-84 tanks and Alpha jets? Contracts awarded in secrecy are to a Nigerian politician what an oasis is to a desert herdsman.
Now, if your goal in life is to make the cabin of an aircraft your home, no post in Nigeria is juicier than the Foreign Minister’s desk just vacated by Ambassador Olugbenga Ashiru. Back in 2007, when he was the Governor-elect of Jigawa State, Alhaji Sule Lamido paid a visit to Daily Trust and I managed to ask him how frequently he will travel abroad when he takes over the governor’s office. Lamido understood the question for what it was, a dig at his predecessor Ibrahim Saminu Turaki who was accused by his critics of living abroad. Lamido replied that having been Nigeria’s Foreign Minister for 4 years, he had done all the travelling he needed in this life and would settle down to rule Jigawa State from Dutse. Maybe old man Ashiru’s post will now go to Saminu Turaki, which is like placing an experienced nomad in charge of transport.
I saw one newspaper columnist was-ting precious space and discussing the “technocratic qualities” required by the replacement ministers to be appointed soon. It was a waste of space because the man that the 1999 Constitution [recklessly] vested with the sole prerogative to make these appointments is not thinking in such terms. He is looking for qualities alright, but not laminated certificates or long CVs. From all that could be gleaned from last week’s cabinet changes and the earlier sacking of the Youth Minister, the president’s motivations were purely political. Some ministers were removed because they are believed to be loyal to the 7 nPDP governors. Other ministers were removed in order to create the room to appease aggrieved communities in some states. In all cases however, the ministers were removed in order to make way for men who are capable of leading the political equivalent of a cavalry charge against the rebel governors. In short, what the president will be looking for to replace the sacked ministers are not high-flying technocrats with impeccable technical and managerial qualities or a record of stellar performance in academic, diplomatic, scientific or other such professional pursuits, no. Oga President’s ideal ministerial nominee is a single-minded, devil may care, shoot-before-you-think World War Two Japa-nese-style banzai warrior.
Now, considering that the Federal Civil Service Commission is required by law to advertise vacant civil service positions before it can fill them, I am surprised that framers of the 1999 Constitution did not think it worthy to require that before the President appoints ministers, he must advertise for the positions. Even the police and the army must advertise before they can recruit officers and men. Public schools too are required to advertise before they can admit students. One of the very good reasons for advertising vacant positions is to publicly spell out the qualifications needed for the position so that no one will waste his time and put in an application if he or she is not qualified. As a result of this constitutional oversight, we know the qualifications required to be a police recruit but we do not know the qualifications required to become a cabinet minister.
Quite alright, the 1999 Cons-titution [vaguely] stated that no one can be appointed a minister unless he is qualified to run for election into the House of Representatives. Now, since there are hundreds of thousands of persons who are so qualified in Nigeria, the president has to impose additional criteria in order to prune down the list. What I am saying is that we want to see these extra-constitutional criteria clearly stated in a full page newspaper advert. I am not saying this only to enhance the revenue base of struggling Nigerian newspapers. I am saying so because many people have heard that there are ten juicy vacancies in the Federal Executive Council in these times of high unemployment and they are busy dusting up old degree certificates and booklet-sized CVs. Such people should better hold their peace.
If the Presidency were to accidentally heed my counsel and publish the quali-fications needed for appointment as a replacement minister, it promises to be an interesting read. Maybe it will run like this:
“Total loyalty to Mr. President required. Single-minded devotion to the 2015 Project absolutely essential. Total hostility towards nPDP a necessity. Anyone who shook the hand of an APC member need not apply. Anyone whose in-laws or tenants are APC supporters need not apply. Ability to take over your state PDP structure with the help of Nigeria Police necessary. Ability to harness Joseph Mbu-style police officers absolutely essential. Ability to deploy money to wean away an nPDP governor’s loyalists essential. Willingness to block opposition motorcade routes and throw pure water sachets at nPDP visitors essential. Ability to ground enemy private jets and divert enemy helicopter flights absolutely essential. Readiness to return fire for fire Sabo Bakin Zuwo style essential. Reeling out bellicose statements M.C.K. Ajuluchukwu style necessary. Ability to join issues Femi Fani-Kayode style with anyone who joins issues with Mr. President very essential. Wada Nas-style ability to sniff out a plot in every opposition gathering a requirement. Chuba Okadigbo-type eloquence will be an advantage. K.O. Mbadiwe-level word smithing an extra advantage. Maitama Sule-style poetic artistry will earn extra points.”
Now, lying somewhere in the Presidency could be a piece of paper that outlines the job description for a Jonathan minister from now until the 2015 elections. Maybe it will state, “A minister must be a banzai warrior. He must carry at all times the Nigerian political equivalent of a samurai short sword, which is a Ghana Must Go bag. As soon as he arrives in his state he must shout the Nigerian equivalent of “banzai!” and charge at the nPDP governor. The Japanese warrior’s banzai cry means “May the Emperor live 10,000 years!” Our own equivalent cry here is the one coined by Dokubo Asari, ‘Jonathan in 2015 or Nigeria will break up!’”