We’ve got mail…from you!

RE: The good, bad and ugly sides of complaining Amina, without even reading the piece, the picture you chose says it all. There is complaint in every part of her body. Sincerely, Dr. Aliyu Tilde RE: In-laws or out laws, which are they? Hi Amina, It was quite re-assuring reading your article with the above […]

RE: The good, bad and ugly sides of complaining

Amina, without even reading the piece, the picture you chose says it all. There is complaint in every part of her body.

Sincerely, Dr. Aliyu Tilde

RE: In-laws or out laws, which are they?

Hi Amina,

It was quite re-assuring reading your article with the above heading. It kind of made me feel relieved that I was not alone in this ‘in-law war’ after all.

Unlike some women that I know, I went into marriage with my arms wide open to embrace all my in-laws. I belong to the school of thought that believes that you marry a man and his family and the best way to show him you really love him is to be good to his family. Amina, what didn’t I do? I went out of my way to fulfill their needs even from my own pocket. But alas I got my fingers badly burnt.

I even took his younger siblings into our home and catered for them like my very own. When they overstepped their bounds and were extremely rude, we sent them back home to gain a little respite. Instead the older sisters applauded them and called me names. I became the ‘wicked wife’. All the good I have done went with the wind! They ganged up against me and put my husband on the line, threatening my marriage. I was even put on a panel where I was told in no uncertain terms that I was just a wife and have no rights to complain in my own home!

I did the smart thing by resolving issues with my hubby, apologizing in the presence of all (imagine the humiliation) to save my marriage. I agree with your suggestions on civility but I cannot deny the bitterness that I feel. I have been paid in a bad coin and it’s so unfair… but with little words of advice from people like you, I think we (women) still have a cause to remain in marriage with its ups and downs. Thanks and may the Good Lord be with you.

Mercy Bb ([email protected])

RE: Using your ego positively

Hi Amina Alhassan, more grease to your elbow. This kind of writing is what we need in this part of our country as most of us have allowed western education to erode our sense of responsibility and judgement. I read your article in Weekly Trust titled “ego”, it is well impressive and interesting please keep it up. But how do we handle our negative ego positively?

Thanks.

Abdulkadir Idris, Kano.

Hajiya Amina, I have been following your columns in the Weekly Trust. Your comments are well covered/researched on various social aspects – family matters, social orientation. Let me share my experience with the readers of this column on my encounter with my 13-year-old son. As a young father, my first child is 13 and to me it is the most challenging stage for every parent to be extra vigilant on the upbringing of children. The boy confronted me with a question for the meaning of a word ‘Fyade’ he read in your vernacular newspaper ‘AMINIYA’.  He was holding a copy when he came to me with the question. He was actually referred to me by his mother whom I overheard her encounter with him. A typical Hausa/Muslim family as we are, the poor mother was in a fix on how to answer her young child, so she referred him to me.

Poor me too, I could not be all that comfortable to explain to him the meaning. I didn’t even know how to start for obvious reason, probably peculiar only to a typical northerner and Hausa/Muslim for that matter. Looking at his inquisitive face with all seriousness, I could not at that point push him aside with his question since it was obvious to him that I was probably his last resort at that time.

Sensing the ‘danger’ I was in, I asked him to bring his Hausa/English dictionary, I gave him the English word ‘rape’ to check out. Before he finished his search, something took me out of the sitting room where I was seated with my friend who was with me while the ‘drama’ was going on. Incidentally, my friend is a teacher and he saved the day for all of us.

This experience of mine, I believe, underscores the need for sex education as a necessity. Even if not fully introduced at schools, at family level, it is a must to all parents as in one way or the other children would be coming up with questions on some aspects relating to sex education.

It is more of a challenge to womenfolk as mothers to take the bull by the horns and be ready to explain biology related questions to their children. On this, I challenged my wife to henceforth brace up as she has not seen anything yet with children of these days.

I hope my experience would offer another gate for solution to a family life in a typical Hausa/Muslim family.

Badamasi Haiba, Wuse, Zone 3, Abuja.

RE: Would you do anything for love?

Salaam Amina,

To me I think it is a matter of choice, if you choose not to do anything for the sake of love that’s the best choice of yours. And if you choose to do anything for the sake of love that’s the good and wise choice of yours but we all need to remember that in relationship there is nothing like shame. I will personally do anything just to prove exactly the way I feel about my partner. While I am looking forward to contributing to your column if I am given a chance to, so please let me know. Thanks and more grease to your elbow.

Bash Bunza, 08036932503 & 08094356876

RE: Step mothers: The necessary good or the avoidable evil

My question is: is it a mistake for a mother to discipline a child be it hers or her husband’s? As far as the discipline is not violent, barbarian…Are we in Dr. Elterman supporting the mother that left her motherly role to move from one husband to the other by abandoning her God-given children?

Unless in cases of death, l will strongly advise that mothers should stay to take care of their children, come rain or come fire! And step children should rather blame their biological mothers for not bearing the odds and withstanding the heat that other mothers were able to bear. Rather than having to blame the poor victim of circumstances for bringing them up. After all, blood is thicker than water.

Hajia Aisha Ahmed, Murna Foundation, Katsina

RE: It’s over, what next?

Salaam Amina, how do you come about the topics you treat so passionately? Most times I feel you take sides with the menfolk and sometimes you just give it to them the way it comes to your mind.

If I must confess, I was almost making the biggest mistake of my life when I came across the Weekly Trust edition that carried the article. I was actually waiting to consult a lawyer. I was attracted to it and the title instantly pushed me to read on until I got to where you asked if we knew what the other side would look like after we left the first place. True to your words, men can never be changed and are all the same anywhere. So I asked myself after three kids, what I hope to meet in the other man’s house if I at all get another one?

I thought about it and decided to stay because I cannot stand husbands being counted for me. The devil I know is better than the angel I know nothing about. Thanks for keeping hope alive. Though some of your write-ups seem too harsh on women, you always say patience is the key to every success in life. Keep up the good work as I never miss Weekly Trust, for there are quite a number of you that I keep a date with every Saturday.

Mercy Adora O, Tudun Wada, Kaduna.