What I will do when elected as president

My darling Buhari, Congratulations. I just heard you broke a record in Nigerian history for number of consecutive days spent abroad during ones presidency. You remember Yar’adua held the previous record of 79 days. You have broken that record and I am proud of you.  I saw the photos of you having lunch with some […]

My darling Buhari,

Congratulations. I just heard you broke a record in Nigerian history for number of consecutive days spent abroad during ones presidency. You remember Yar’adua held the previous record of 79 days. You have broken that record and I am proud of you. 

I saw the photos of you having lunch with some governors. Glad to see that you are hale and hearty as your London handlers have been saying. It is so nice to see you at the head of the table. I miss you at the head of my table. I miss cooking for you. Governor Rochas said you were just taking some vitamins and that was why you couldn’t come back immediately. I know how those vitamins are hard to find in Nigeria. Please take as much as you can before you come back. 

So, the Senate has been approving amendments to the constitution. In one amendment they reduced the age of running for office. A 35-year-old can now run for president. Baby, I can now actually run the house. All I need now is the many millions needed to buy the form and to campaign. I hope you will support me when I decide to run for president. 

Let me just tell you a few of the things I would do when I become president. 

I will tell the Senate to make up their minds about women and just pass the bill to tag women second class citizens and lower human beings since they don’t want to pass the Gender Equality Bill. They have been saying the bill is against our culture and religion. Instead of just leaving it there, I will encourage them to just pass it into law and say what they really feel, which is that women are lesser humans than men who do not deserve equal rights, equal treatment under the law. It is better to be honest than to pretend if you ask me. 

Also, I will urge the Senate, especially people like that man from Zamfara, to just pass a law called the Child Marriage Act, to govern marital and sexual relations between old men and girl children. No point pretending it isn’t legal. The law will ban the word paedophilia since if it is legal to marry a child you cannot call the man who likes 13-year olds a paedophile. I like being straightforward. Better to just come out and say what you like. 

As president I will also ask the Nigeria police if they would like to legalise torture and extortion. You know how they now deny extorting people, even though some have come out to claim that they have been baited on dating sites for so-called gay people by policemen pretending to be gay. They have claimed that the police arrest and extort them. Maybe this is a rumour but I will just ask the police if they want to add the power to extort money from people so they don’t have to hide or deny. Imagine how much easier life will be for them.

Also, I will ask if the governors want to just have private prisons in their houses. Like that small governor that likes to harass people for writing articles in newspapers, sending police to harass them and all. I think someone like him should have a private prison so that he will not have to find arresting his enemies hindered by court processes and injunctions. He can just send his people to pick someone and then lock them up in his private prison. The states will be more peaceful without so many people expressing themselves or talking bad about governors short and tall. People should not write articles about governors or their policies. Free speech is a nasty nasty thing. It gets under the skin of governors and prevents them from the great work of building the state and empowering their children. Why should anyone interfere with that? 

I will impose a police fine on all motorists so that police officers will no longer feel shame when asking for money at checkpoints. Imagine having to call yourself a boy just because you want 50 or 100 Naira from a motorist. No police officer should have to say “Anything for the boys?” All motorists will simply have to pay 50 to 100 Naira as soon as they see a police uniform. The exchange will happen quietly and without delay. I think this will make the jobs of the Nigerian Police easier. 

My dear I will let you rest for now. Next week, if you haven’t come back yet, I will tell you other things I will do once I get elected into office. For now I will just remind you about the Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred. It is never too late to let him and his wife go. 

Enjoy taking your vitamins my love. 

Yours always, 

Elnathan John