What to do if you can’t forgive someone

Research by Florida State University psychologist Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues showed that when partners in a romantic relationship prayed for the other, they tend to forgive them. In other words, the prayer sparks forgiveness in the person doing the prayer. Further work by the same researchers showed that this effect extends beyond romantic relationships. The […]

Research by Florida State University psychologist Nathaniel Lambert and colleagues showed that when partners in a romantic relationship prayed for the other, they tend to forgive them. In other words, the prayer sparks forgiveness in the person doing the prayer. Further work by the same researchers showed that this effect extends beyond romantic relationships.

The scientists conducted two studies. The first experiment involves two groups of people. One group was asked to pray once for their romantic partner’s wellbeing. The other group (the control group) was asked to describe their partner, talking into a tape recorder.

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The researchers then measured forgiveness. They defined forgiveness as “the diminishing of the initial negative feelings that arise when you’ve been wronged.” Their results showed that those who prayed for their spouses harboured fewer vengeful thoughts and emotions toward their partners. They were ready to forgive and move on. That was the effect of one prayer. This means that the effect of a single prayer can be very impactful.

But that is not all. There is more. For the next study, the researchers considered two things. If one prayer could be so impactful, they wondered what would be the effect of praying over a long time. That is , how far reaching would a sustained prayer be?

Also, they wondered if thinking positively about your partner had the same effect as praying. It is easy to equate positive thinking with prayer. But here the researchers wanted to isolate the two variables.

In the next study, they asked a group of both men and women to say a prayer for a  friend every day for four weeks. The other group was asked to reflect on their relationships and think positive thoughts about their friends; also for the same period.

Further, for the second study, they added another variable: Selfless concern for others. This means that they used a tool to measure not just concern for one person, but concern for people in general. The researchers speculated that prayers will increase selfless concern for others, then the selfless concern would, in turn, boost forgiveness.

And that was exactly what they found. They also found that thinking positive thoughts didn’t have the same effect as praying.

But why? Why is this simple spiritual ritual so effective? The psychologists reasoned that when we are in a relationship, we usually have shared goals and desire the well-being of our partners. But when one person commits an infraction or does something that we perceive as sinning against the relationship, we turn the focus on self. This means that we are no longer selfless – at least as far as the relationship is concerned.

However, when we pray for others, the focus is again turned toward others instead of ourselves. This way we can be selfless and forgiving.

We can find equivalents in the religious texts. For example, it appears that praying for the wrongdoers was a shortcut that the messengers of God used to forgive those who wronged them.

We read the prayer of Jesus (may peace be upon him) who said “forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing.”

Prophet Muhammad (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) used to pray for those who attacked him. There was a time he visited Taif to get the people of the town to answer his call, but they responded with stones. They stoned him until they broke his teeth. What did he do? He prayed for them.

So what?

These studies showed that prayer for others is an easy to forgive and accommodate them into our lives. Many people find it difficult to understand why parents easily for their children – even when they do nasty things. This maybe the reason why because most parents pray for their offspring.

The studies also showed that thinking positively about an individual does not equal prayer. Of course, it is easy to confuse the two  because in doing both, you’re thinking favorably toward others. But prayer is in a league of its own.

Accordingly, if you have a child, a spouse, a friend or a parent who has been unkind and whom you want to forgive but you find it difficult to forgive due to the gravity of the offence, simply say a prayer for them. Here is a good start: “Dear God, grant success to X in this world and the next.”