What’s a WAEC certificate got to do with it?

Dearest Buhari, I know we are both busy but I think we should take a break and do some fun activity like visiting a park or watching some nice videos together. And I know just the right videos. There is this journalist in Kano who has about 15 hilarious videos of a guy who looks […]

Dearest Buhari,

I know we are both busy but I think we should take a break and do some fun activity like visiting a park or watching some nice videos together. And I know just the right videos. There is this journalist in Kano who has about 15 hilarious videos of a guy who looks like the Kano State Governor Ganduje (or is it him?) making wads of dollars disappear from the hands of who is allegedly a contractor. I think it will be fun to watch those videos in our spare time. It is really entertaining and although I have watched some of them already, I don’t mind watching it again. It is in fact more fun when I watch videos with you. I don’t want to spoil the suspense but the most interesting thing is how he is receiving the money himself, stuffing it into his babban riga, that kind of low level, low tech corruption that nobody can take seriously. I mean we both know nothing will happen and I am sure Ganduje just stole that money because he realised that with all of the tensions in the country, people dying, traditional rulers being kidnapped and killed on their way from security meeting, we would need some entertainment. I am sure the Kano people will elect him for another term just based on how entertaining he is.

What is this I am hearing about your WAEC certificate? I know you cannot find it. But who cares? Asking you to produce your WAEC certificate is like asking a person who is the Master of Ceremonies at a wedding for his wedding invitation. The man is the MC. If he didn’t have an invitation he wouldn’t have been there in the first place. I know their plan. It is to make people think that you are not smart. But me I think you are smart. Which is why you don’t speak much or do public debates with candidates who are beneath you. Because in the end you know that what Nigerians need is not another person who speaks or another certificate holder but someone who is with a large heart, who can forgive someone like Kemi Adeosun for forging her certificate and not prosecute her. Who allowed her safe passage back to the UK. I love you, WAEC certificate or no WAEC certificate.

I see that the Kaduna man has succeeded in releasing that memo where you two discussed the steps he should take to deal with Shehu Sani and he has made the party go back on its decision to have Sani as the Kaduna Central senatorial candidate. It might be good to find out if the guy has something on the party chairman to make him do a u-turn, just so that if he becomes a problem to us in the future, we also know what to do. We just need to be careful the next time we discuss a secret with him because of the way his mouth leaks. Once he feels a little annoyed he just throws things we have talked about in secret in public. One day you will tell him secrets about your marriage and find it in a memo staring at you in traffic.

Aha, before I forget, I saw that Ganduje was able to pull out children from school, make them hold placards in his defence as the journalist who released those videos testified before the Kano House of Assembly. I think that is remarkable. We might need to ask him to borrow us those children when we begin our own campaigns. Also how does he do it, convincing children to defend him in public with placards that state that they will still elect him for another four years in spite of how many videos are released? You know how stubborn children nowadays are. We need to ask him what the secret to making children comply is. We can ask him to write a little book which we can launch in Abuja, to the glory of God and for the benefit of mankind on how to make children obedient to their elders when it matters the most. I mean of course the children can’t vote, but it matters that they support him. (Or can they vote?)

Can I suggest something? I think if Atiku’s people pressure you too much into doing a debate, which I know you cannot do, you can get out of it by telling them you want to meet in neutral territory, like say, the US. If he cannot get a visa that is not your problem. Also I think we should pray that all these other candidates never become sensible and form a useful coalition to support one candidate who has any chance of challenging you. Let us support them all in their hustle because you know the more you split the votes of those who won’t vote for you, the better our chances.

Ps. Can we release Zakzaky? And at least allow him to live a normal life with the remaining members of his family we haven’t shot dead? That would be really nice dear. Let’s do it before the elections. Him and Leah Sharibu. It will be a genius move.

Yours now and until 2023

 

Elnathan John