What’s wrong if a woman proposes?

“I will feel so threatened and uncomfortable if that happened to me. Besides it is a man’s world and not at all her place to do that. I don’t think it is right.” These were one Mitchell Adesina’s surprising words when asked what his reaction would be if his girlfriend proposed to him. This reaction […]

“I will feel so threatened and uncomfortable if that happened to me. Besides it is a man’s world and not at all her place to do that. I don’t think it is right.” These were one Mitchell Adesina’s surprising words when asked what his reaction would be if his girlfriend proposed to him. This reaction is in line with that of many men and women alike on the issue of the woman making the first move.

The idea of a woman proposing marriage comes across as her being desperate and belittling of herself. It is generally believed that the man should dictate the pace of the relationship and not the woman. He is the one to tell when the relationship moves on to the next level. But some women are asking the same general question, “What happens if after three years of our relationship he still doesn’t make any move in that direction: ‘Am I to keep waiting for him to propose? And what if after another one year he then breaks up with me?”

Unfair as this may seem on the woman, many women are still totally against the idea of their being the ones to propose to their men. Another respondent, Benita Oyofo, said, “I can never ever bring myself as low as to propose to my boyfriend. If by the time I feel we have both invested enough time into the relationship to take it forward and he is not saying anything about marriage, I will ask him about it in different ways. Like, ‘when are we going to see my family formally’ and things like this. With this, he will know where I am heading. Also, the man is likely to take me for granted if I propose to him and see it as a reason to look down on me and treat me like crap because he thinks I am desperate.”

Monsignor Mathew Kukah asks: “What if in the course of your waiting for him to propose, somebody else beats you to it and takes him away? It is like admiring a man from afar and saying it is unethical for a lady to ask a man out. You will be there when someone else and probably with only a little nod, sweep him away. There is nothing biblical which says a man must be the one to propose or ask the woman out. If you like something, I believe you can go about it without demeaning yourself or losing your integrity.”

Mrs. Tunde Aluko argues that society and culture is responsible for thoughts that women shouldn’t make the first move as well as the way we have been groomed from childhood; that it is being cheap if we propose to them. She said ethically, there is nothing wrong because it is your heart’s desire.

She narrated her friend’s situation. “My friend liked a certain man whom she kept talking to me about but never expressed her desire to the man. On the other hand, the man was deeply in love with her but feared she would turn him down if he asked her out. They both ended up marrying different people. It wasn’t until years later after her marriage broke when I spoke to the man indirectly accusing him of not marrying her when I discovered he too was nursing feelings for her. But it was already too late.”

In line with this, Mr. Michael Sola thinks it is cowardly when women are silent about their yearnings for a man but when amongst friend they freely express their desires. “I for one do not mind the idea of the lady proposing or asking me out. I know many of us use delay tactics when we want to end a relationship and have no intention of ever popping the question. But I consider this uncivilised. Women do not have the grace of time like we do, therefore, I cannot frown at any woman who asks that question; because, the earlier she knows her stance, the better for her so that she can plan her life and move on if she needs to.”

Mr. Adamu Faruk opines that it is not an abomination. “I don’t think it is an abomination. The world has changed. However, because a woman has more to lose emotionally and physically than a man in the event of a breakup, it is still better for the woman to allow the man to propose. A woman should propose only when she is sure that the man is interested but lacks the self-confidence to propose.

“If the relationship has gone on for a long time and at a certain point she feels progress should be made, she should bring the issue up with the man. She should find out what the man wants from the relationship and also make clear what she too wants there from. That should send the message to the man. Men generally have a commitment dread but a little push from the woman often does the magic.

“Regardless of the situation,” Adamu adds, “a woman should not allow herself to come across as desperate. That can be off-putting for the man.”

After all is said and done, it is important for women to understand their men and be sure of what they want before they go ahead to make such moves. Most importantly, they should be prepared to take on whatever disappointment comes with this bold step. Our society still has a very, very long way to go in seeing nothing wrong in a woman proposing to a man or asking him for a relationship.