When apologies aren’t signs of defeat

Apology, according to WikiHow, is an expression of remorse for something one has done wrong, and occasionally serves as a request for forgiveness, as well. Apologising for a mistake, the website continues, might seem like an impossible task, but you can get through it.Sometimes it is good to apologise for your mistake immediately, while in […]

Apology, according to WikiHow, is an expression of remorse for something one has done wrong, and occasionally serves as a request for forgiveness, as well. Apologising for a mistake, the website continues, might seem like an impossible task, but you can get through it.
Sometimes it is good to apologise for your mistake immediately, while in other times it may be best to tarry a while, but one must not fail to apologise when and where one should. “The sooner you apologise for your mistake, the more likely it will be viewed as an error in judgment and not a character flaw. The longer you wait to apologise, the more difficult it may be to ever mend the relationship,” experts say.
Children need to learn to apologise and it is the duty of parents to teach them how to do it. If a child is taught how to apologise early in life, it would become part of his education in values and something easy for him to do later in life.
“It is an easy way to end a squabble that has the potential of escalating into a major conflict. It is better to apologise than to fight. Apologising may bruise our dignity and pride but on the other hand it boosts our maturity.
“Apologising is difficult when our dignity and pride may have been bruised when we apologise. But on the other hand is better than escalating the conflict in which can cause more serious damage,” according EarlyChildhoodEducationWebsites.blogspot.com, an online magazine dealing with issues of Early Childhood Education.
The blog added that “Acknowledging mistakes and apologising for them is one of the lessons that parents can begin to work with children from infancy. Children still immature, and without a fully formed personality, struggle to forgive, so you have to teach them how to do since childhood.”
Mrs Maryam Ibrahim, a teacher with one of the government schools in Abuja, says: “we must teach our children to apologise properly to avoid conflict and hostility. We must teach them that mistakes are bound to be made and these mistakes may hurt others, hence the need to apologise. When we apologise, it helps to minimize the threat of retaliation from the aggrieved person. As adults, we must learn to live by good example for our children to take a cue.”
 “The truth of the matter is that no one wants to experience a life filled with conflicts, hostility, fights and violence. So, when someone is at fault, the best option is to apologise for peace to reign. I know this is difficult for some men who think apologising is the same as being soft and weak,” said Kubra Bello, a civil servant in Abuja.
She added that it is important for people to know that apologising when they make mistakes is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
When it is someone else’s fault, why should we apologise?  Many feel it is more important to be right than it is to apologise. This isn’t true. Also, where many of us fail to understand, it is more important to avoid confrontation. It is often better to apologise even if you are right and the other party is wrong. It is better to apologise and end the squabble while it is still before it gets out of hand. Apologising may bruise our dignity and pride. Most times one feels like backing down when he/she is right. In reality, we believe we should fight for what is right. Some fights are important but most of our everyday conflicts are not important enough to fight about. Apologising permits us to avoid these fights. While our dignity and pride may be bruised when we apologise, this is better than escalating the conflict, in which a more serious damage, revenge, retaliation, property damage, human injury, law suit may occur.
Among siblings, friends and other family members, little arguments, misunderstandings or squabbles do happen. Where one child does something to annoy the other, conflicts are bound to happen. As parents and adults we should use these opportunities to teach them (children) to apologise and that apology goes a long way in resolving issues. If there is a conflict over who is at fault, teach both of them to apologise to avoid escalating the conflict.
“The apology should have three characteristics: It should be appropriate, it should be sincere and it should be humble. Knowing children very well, the apology might be said but with a harsh tone and with bad intentions for a possible revenge,” says Hajiya Munira Bello, an official of the Federal Capital Development Authority (FCDA).
“The reason to teach kids to apologise isn’t to make the wrong-doer feel better. It’s to make the person wronged feel better. Secondarily, it’s to make the wrong-doer feel worse, or at least, to make the wrong-doer understand that he or she has done something wrong and unacceptable,” says a report by NPR.
The more routine apologies become, the easier it is to express remorse and apologise. After reminding your children to apologise a few times, they should be told that an apology should be made without needing a reminder whenever they are at fault. 
Use your standard method of discipline to encourage their practice of apologising without reminder. Praise them when they apologise on their own without a reminder and let them know that whoever apologises first when at fault displays maturity.