When assistance becomes a burden

A husband and father of two, says he has been responsible for his brother’s family, this he says is not a burden because he is better off with his job than his brother. But he has a problem as his brother sees his decision not to take full responsibility of his family as selfishness and […]

A husband and father of two, says he has been responsible for his brother’s family, this he says is not a burden because he is better off with his job than his brother. But he has a problem as his brother sees his decision not to take full responsibility of his family as selfishness and wickedness.
“I have a good job and I’m married with two kids. I could have more kids but I don’t want more because two is what I’m prepared to handle. My brother keeps having babies every year and he’s not doing well financially. His wife just had their sixth baby and as usual I was responsible for the hospital bills. I want to give my kids the best, but my brother thinks I’m selfish and sometimes he terms I am wicked and is equally taking it out on my wife. He believes my wife is the one instigating me to do what I do.  He expects me to help him raise his kids. Is it right to expect me to compromise my standard for his family?”
Many assume that it is African culture to take responsibility of your siblings’ families if you are better off than them. Sijuade Oyegunle says “that is Africa for you. Family sentiments, they do not plan their lives but expect one to pay for their stupidity. I can’t imagine a man who can’t pay his hospital bills popping baby number six. And he expects his brother to be the one to be bothered about how to raise his family. This is very typical of an African man.”
Adekunle Dotun shares the same sentiment with Oyegunle: “This man says he intentionally cut the size of his family, because he wants a certain standard for them. Another man insists on having many children for him to cater for. So, he should now lower his standard for another. He can as well have more children. If they are poor, they should be the ones to cut down their family size. It’s just like saying because I am rich today my siblings should go on having children even if they are not able to cater for them. They might not be poor by choice, but one has to use wisdom when family size is concerned especially in a harsh economy.”
Victoria Nwachukwu  says: “No one plans to be poor, but it is a total act of irresponsibility to give birth to so many children without giving consideration to how to carter for their welfare. No one plans to be poor, but we can as well plan the number of children we want though it is not in our power to decide. But we can as well try to be responsible and not depend solely on people to take up our responsibilities because we are siblings. He has no right burdening his brother just because he is richer. It is so sad that people are this ignorant.”
John Ikechukwu believes family should come first: “It’s good he is giving his family the best he can,  but it seems he has a low opinion of his brother. I suppose they are not poor by choice, but maybe circumstance, even if he is not compelled by any law to assist them. Blood is thicker than water and he should be able to help them whenever and however he can. You never can tell who will need our help tomorrow.”
Adebisi Agbomoniyi is of the opinion that the wisdom of God is needed in this situation: “He will need help from God to be able to resolve this situation. As much as God enables him, he should try to help his brother because in future if these children are not taken care of, they will turn out to be a burden on your children. He should then counsel his brother and introduce him to family planning. The children of his brother are still his; take care of them because it is only God that knows tomorrow. It can be stressful but God has a reason for everything in life.  Better still set him up in biz instead of giving him fish daily; teach him how to fish.”
Another respondent, Temitayo Adeleye believes this will not help his brother but negatively impact on him: “I am the last born of three siblings, but from a humble background. No one supported my parents because they thought they chose to be poor. Am now somewhere in life but bitter about my relatives. Children are innocent; they never choose to be born in a family where responsibility was taken seriously.  Whenever one can they should help these innocent children, you never know what the future holds. If you feel you can’t, then let God be the judge. Those children are part of temptations from God, we either pass or fail.”
Shimayam Ugela says: “It’s a pity he feels bitter towards his relatives. I am also the third and last born in my family with a similar background and equally well to do today too. The difference is I blame it all on my dad for his irresponsibility. That is what we are saying here; it is wrong to create responsibilities for others just because you think they are your siblings and have the capacity to help. Mind you they had a focus and planned towards the kind of life they wanted.”
Although many would want to conclude that it is your right to enjoy your wealth alone but remember this is Africa where extended family will have to be put into consideration in whatever we do. According to a marriage counsellor Mrs. Maryam Abdullah we can always choose to help but it should not be seen as a responsibility. “Help if you are in the position to. It is understandable if you have a standard to legalise but he is family. On the other hand the man in question should try to talk to his brother on why he chose to have many children without the means to carter for them. To any sensible person that would be termed gross irresponsibility. However it is what it is. The children are already here and given that they did not ask to be born. The family should just love and take care of them. Since we are not privy to God’s plans, you never know, they could become God’s biggest blessings to the entire family. Please keep helping whenever you can but not to your own detriment. Do what you know is right,” Abdullah said.
One thing I’ve come to understand is that you can never please all people. If he’s the greedy type, he will never openly admit and acknowledge your efforts but will be bent on bringing you down through every means possible. Whichever way, always try to lend a helping hand but never make it a burden at your own detriment.  Assistance should never become a burden.