When being helpful becomes unhelpful

Life isn’t a bed of roses and everyone needs a helping hand every now then. Rendering assistance to those in need is laudable, but when it is done at the detriment of the helper, it becomes a problem. Last week at an event, a lady complained to her friends on how her husband had become […]

Life isn’t a bed of roses and everyone needs a helping hand every now then. Rendering assistance to those in need is laudable, but when it is done at the detriment of the helper, it becomes a problem. Last week at an event, a lady complained to her friends on how her husband had become an extravagant helper to everyone who comes asking for help.  She said: “My husband is a people’s man but it’s hurting the family. He cannot say no to people, even outsiders, when they request his assistance. Recently, my sister-in-law brought her friend whose husband just died, to seek assistance to fund the burial from my husband and he agreed to fund the whole affair. But we’re actually suffering at his giving too much outside.”
Aisha Mamman Ibrahim, 40, opined that assisting people is a thing of joy but should not be done at the expense of one’s own responsibilities.
Fatima Bappha, 38, doesn’t see anything wrong in rendering assistance. “Giving is good and it attracts more blessing, but an excess of anything is bad. My husband and I are always giving and some people think because of that they can come and collect money anytime they want. For me, giving to the right person is what attracts blessings and not just giving to people who take one for granted,” she said.
Mary Abiola, 29, is an undergraduate and she says some people are blessed with the gift of giving. “Some people are truly just made that way; they can’t say no. It’s a good thing to give, but not at your own detriment, although that could be the case once in a while. Anyway, as a solution, let him make a budget before the end of the month for all things to run the home for the month, get everything bought the first week of collecting his salary, so any other change can be used for whatever charity he desires. The first priority is your family.”
Akinyemi Raheem, 42, is a trader and he argues that giving should have no limit, as long as the family is provided for. “Does it hurt the family’s finances? This is a question that needs to be asked. My husband is like that too and I thank God for him. People will come knocking on our door asking for money and the next thing is him writing a cheque for strangers. I used to be angry with him for that but I realized it was actually a blessing to us. And now I’m doing the same thing too. Nobody ever gives and gets poorer. His prosperity can be tied to his assisting people.”
Men also weighed in on the issue, as Kelvin Uchenna, a 35-year-old engineer says there is no way his family can be enjoying themselves while other are hungry. “If it needs me reducing any part of their enjoyment to cater for the less-privileged in the society, I will. I won’t mind whatever my wife or others may say or think. Whatever my status, it can never make me turn away and ignore those who cannot afford one square meal.”
Marriage Counsellor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi, however, says giving is good. “It brings blessings, but not when it’s at the detriment of the family. A man’s first responsibility and priority is his family and anyone who gives without prioritising his family, gives in vain. Also, what he is getting is part of the blessings of his family from God, so it doesn’t belong to him alone. It’s very good to give to those in need but it should be done with caution. The way to handle an ‘over-helpful’ person is to sit him down and discuss the need to make the home a priority, too. But if he already gives the family importance, then he should be encouraged to assist, for he is not only paving the way to paradise for himself, but for the family, too.”