When couple disagree on child discipline

Parents adopt different parenting approaches in disciplining their children.Sarah and Andrew Ayuba in their seven years of marriage have found themselves disagreeing over how to discipline their children countless times. The argument had in some cases became so fierce that John threatened to send his wife back home if she ever raises her hands on […]

Parents adopt different parenting approaches in disciplining their children.
Sarah and Andrew Ayuba in their seven years of marriage have found themselves disagreeing over how to discipline their children countless times. The argument had in some cases became so fierce that John threatened to send his wife back home if she ever raises her hands on their children. He often shows disgust even when it is meant to correct their misdemeanor and he expresses his anger before his children leaving Sarah wondering  if it is wrong for her to call her children to order in whatever way she deems fit.
This scenario is popular in homes where parents are yet to agree on this important parenting call. In some homes while the  father is the strict, authoritarian type; the mother is the mild one who wishes her husband goes gently on the kids.
Another parent Ogechi Ibe of Umueze in Abayi, Aba  has the same problem as Sarah. She said her husband has never been on the same page with her whenever she tries to correct their children and this according to her is not helping matters in the home.
Ifeanyi Uba, a businessman and a father of four said he does not support the way his wife corrects their children because she is hot tempered, which makes her vent frustration on them in an unjustified manner.
I know children can be very stubborn but calling them to order does not only require hitting them and leaving scars all over their body all in the name of discipline”, Uba stressed.
Mrs Stella Edede, mother of two pointed out that there are bound to be such kinds of disagreement in the home given that parents come from different backgrounds and are trained differently by their parents. She added that it is the same way they were disciplined that they apply on their own kids.
“My husband does not like it when I go crazy on the kids and even beat them in that mood. I see it in his reaction and since I realize he doesn’t like it, I sometimes try to be gentle with them”, she admits.
Mrs Regina Osayi, a primary school teacher and a mother of three on her own part opined that different parents have different parenting attitudes to child’s discipline because of the amount of time each parents spends on the kids especially at home. “Because of my profession I use different approaches to call kids to order. This is what I do most of the time in school and I apply the same method at home”.
She added that her husband does not always have problem with her approach because he has come to understand that it is part of what she needs to make meaningful impact on their kids.
Another parent Clement Obi, a Civil Engineer explains that parents should be able to realize that there is a fine line between hitting kids for disciplinary reasons and just hitting them because they can.
He said:“I grew up in a house where my father could actually kill you with just a stare. I was brought up to believe that good manners among children are the result of rigid but non-violent discipline within the home. I handle my kids in the same way.
“On a daily basis, they are thought what is right and wrong; what is acceptable and unacceptable as such my wife and I have never raised our hands on our three children, one of whom is in the University now and by the grace of God, I have not seen them act differently from what they are taught in the home”.
Disciplining kids should not be the duty of just one parent but both of them. The person who is not always in the home should accept the disciplinary measure chosen by his spouse and support the wife as she tries to correct the kids.
“I don’t think parents should disagree over their children’s discipline because they are one by the virtue of their marriage union and whatever action either of the parents takes on the kids should be for the good of the children and the family at large, “ says Mr Ikechukwu Ibe, a marriage counsellor.
Similarly, Dr Phil, a Psychologist and parenting expert writing on his blog gave the following advice to parents who find themselves arguing over their children’s discipline.
Recognise what your arguments do to your children. No child likes to see his/her parent fight. When you argue about what to do with your kids, you create a troubling environment for them which could have serious long term effect. Fighting with your spouse shifts the focus away from your child and how they can learn to stop misbehaving and on to a parent vs. parent situation.
Negotiate a plan in calm waters. Sit down with your spouse and try to agree on ways to discipline at a time when nothing is wrong.
Present a unified front. Kids understand when their parents feel differently about disciplining, no matter what their age. Children will often get away with misbehaving simply by creating an argument between you and your spouse. This not only lets them off the hook, but creates a problem between the parents. Make sure that your child sees both parents following the same guidelines, no matter what the scenario. Once your kids start receiving the same treatment from both parents, they will stop using your disagreement as a way to avoid punishment.
A Guidiance and Counselling expert, Sochi Peters has this to say on the subject matter.
“Parents know their children best and should be able to assess the effective approach in disciplining them. Hitting them indiscriminately can be an abuse and in extreme cases, very detrimental to the child’s psychological growth and development as well as psychosocial growth and development.
“We have seen reports where children are severely abused by their parent, while some lose their lives or suffer permanent physical damage in the process. This is not discipline.
Sochi who however admitted that corporal punishment is a time-tested, viable form of discipline, cautioned parents to use it sparingly with fair warning, full reasoning and loving support.
“The memory of physical pain is enough to deter children from wayward behaviour, giving them the opportunity to discover the benefits of good behaviour. It should always be the last resort as well. Even then, care should be taken to ensure that no permanent physical damage is done to the child”.
“There are other methods of disciplining children without the physical abuse. Parents should agree on how to handle their wards and learn clues how to reason with the kids and explain to their kids,” she advices.