When does motherly instinct go too far?

Marriages face a lot of challenges, but when the challenge concerns a step-child, it can take a negative turn for the couple. Below is a short message from a lady who was quick to conclude that her husband was being unjust in disciplining her child whom she had from another marriage. Her instincts as a […]

Marriages face a lot of challenges, but when the challenge concerns a step-child, it can take a negative turn for the couple.
Below is a short message from a lady who was quick to conclude that her husband was being unjust in disciplining her child whom she had from another marriage. Her instincts as a mother came to play here but when is a mother’s instinct too much?
“My husband stopped talking to me because I stopped him from beating my son. My son is from a different relationship. He says that I’m taking sides with my son. How should I go about this because it’s becoming a huge deal in the home?”
Beatings by many could be disciplinary or abusive. Mary Amos seeks to know if the beating was disciplinary or abusive: “If it is the former, then she needs to apologise because he did whatever he did to make the child a better person in future and for the sake of them all. But on the other hand if it is abusive, I will suggest she stands her ground and protects her child from being used as an avenue to vent out anger by his step-father. Even fathers do this sometimes to get back at the mother not to talk of a step-father.”
Adaobi Ani says the lady in question should check herself and see that she was not acting based on irrational thoughts: “Was the beating warranted? Because if it was then it would mean you are the one rebelling against your hubby and trying to put a wedge between your child and his step-father. But if she was sure that it was an abusive treatment then she should talk to her husband in private and not in the presence of the child. She should talk to him about the perceived ill treatment that he gives the child. Talking will ease whatever tension is there because stopping him from beating the boy is showing a wrong signal. The boy might use it as an avenue to start disrespecting your hubby even when he’s right in chastising him. Try not to set any difference between them as it will be you that suffers when they begin to hate themselves.  I would advise she treads with caution and wisdom so she doesn’t lose both.”
Emmah Ndunda opines that there are some step-dads who are God sent and others are a misery to step-children: “If he can’t treat your son like his then why does he stay with you? Your son is your flesh and blood and should be the highest for you and it’s your responsibility to see that he is being treated well.  If you can’t do that then give him to his real father who may treat him better. Every man is a jealous person and sees your son as a threat to the relationship you both share.”
Ekundayo Sharon on the on the hand believes the woman in question is the problem and not the husband: “How did she refer to the child? Did she say our son or my son? If she said my son it just proves that she did not want her husband to father her son from another marriage and therefore sees everything he does to him as wickedness. If that is how she sees it why did she marry him in the first place? My only advice is that she starts seeing him as a father figure for her son so that she can stop finding faults in him correcting the child as well as stop creating problems for them both.”
Jameela Bappah says it is real with men to behave like that once a mother protects a child from facing their wrath: “Even if it was his real father and you prevented him from scolding him she would have gotten the same reaction.  She should apologise to him. She should be cautious and wise because she needs him to bring up her son. She should make him his son too. If he loves him as his own son and the beating is not abusive then apologise but if contrary, with love make him see reason why he should be corrective instead of abusive.  However, protect your child from every aggression without jeopardising your marriage.”
Jimoh Oluwaseun says: “There is nothing wrong in what the father was trying to do. If he did not love the child he would never even bother with whatever he does or even accept him to come with you when he married you. If he is beating him for a good reason, then please hold your heart and let him do his fatherly duties.”
You are not wrong from stopping your husband beating your son. Every mother does even if it was with their real father. It’s a mother’s natural instinct to protect her child. Let your husband know that there are other ways you both can punish a child without beating. Take their favourite things away, stop the TV etc. it’s not taking sides, it’s being a mother.
Just keep balancing them both that your son doesn’t feel being mistreated or your husband feels that his authority is being disregarded. These are the consequences that come with deciding to re-marry or getting married to partners with kids. You need to be patient and brave. As a mother it is never easy because of the motherly instincts. There is actually no reason to keep malice as a mother find ways to make him understand the pain you go through whenever he beats the child, let him know your action isn’t trying to undermine but it’s naturally a mother instincts acting up. Asides that you need a lot of patience and wisdom to handle such matters in your home.