When parents are over-demanding

Children leave home to start their own homes and sometimes begin to take responsibility for their parents’ upkeep and that of their siblings. But in the case of daughters it is sometimes different, as sometimes they depend on their husbands to take care of their parents. Recently, one Bolanle (not real name) shared her problem: […]

Children leave home to start their own homes and sometimes begin to take responsibility for their parents’ upkeep and that of their siblings. But in the case of daughters it is sometimes different, as sometimes they depend on their husbands to take care of their parents. Recently, one Bolanle (not real name) shared her problem: “I’ve been married for just a year and still seeking for a job. My parents are aware but keep demanding I take care of them. My interaction with them is always about them requesting for money or something from me. Anytime I don’t give them, it becomes a quarrel. I have been forced to go out of my way to make sure I satisfy them by borrowing from friends. I’m with child and my husband is just trying to make ends meet. I’m fed up and don’t know what to do.”
So a variety of respondents chimed in: Simi Osunkoya, 35, a teacher, suggests that a monthly allowance should be agreed by the couple to send to parents on both sides. “Every parent will expect a child, especially a daughter, to take up some responsibilities when she gets married. But in a situation that she hasn’t got a job, I will suggest that she and her husband decide on how much to give their parents at the end of the month. This way they would be able to curb unnecessary demands.  She does not have to go to the extreme of incurring debts just to satisfy her parents. But as a child with or without money, it is an onus on us to check up on our parents. When they request for money, give if there is. But if you don’t, let them know. Parents can never be replaced, no matter what.”
Fatima Asabe Ahmad, 38, is an accountant who opines that while parents are alive, one should strive to do what one can for them. “I understand how the lady in question feels. Some parents can be pushy I have seen it happen to friends. But it is different case for me because I feel I didn’t do much for my mum before she died. Parents are irreplaceable. We should do what we can while they are alive. If she tries to explain her situation to them, she will see that they are not what she thinks they are. I am saying this out of experience”
On the other hand, some say the husband will be watching to see what kind of wife she is. Nasir Muazu, 40, is a banker and he says the lady in questions is unrealistic. “She is going to be a mother soon and therefore be careful on how she treats or bad-mouths her parents in the child’s presence. I agree parents could be overbearing, but they deserve respect. Whatever way you treat your parents will translate to how your husband treats them, too. I say this because I am a man and I know how we study our women. She should simply make her parents understand that things are not too fine. No amount of money can buy a parent’s love.”
Victoria Godwin, a 32-year-old civil servant says mothers deserve the best, even if sometimes their trouble is unbearable. “You can’t avoid your parents, no matter what. You should work something out as we must not depend on our husbands all the time. They also have their responsibilities to carry. Please try and make your parents’ remaining years on earth happy. In Africa, once you are married it’s like a business even if your parents are not aged, they expect you to give them whether you are working or not. I will advise women not to overstretch themselves, though, as the husband would underrate your family.”
Marriage Counsellor Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi says when faced with such a situation, women do not need too much advice. “What she needs is just to apply wisdom. Our parents’ anger with us for failing to give them their demands will not kill us. We should do our part by sending them monthly allowance on budget, and don’t put yourself under pressure because the sad thing is, you can never please them financially.”
Abdullahi points out that on the other hand, most times wives give an inaccurate impression of their husbands to family. “Parents may have the belief that your hubby is capable of taking extra responsibilities.” But, she says, children must never ignore parents. “They may get on our nerves sometimes when demanding, but they still remain our parents. It’s up to us to let them know the truth of things and situations. Also say a prayer to their hearing telling them that they will live to reap the fruits of their labour. That way, every sensible parent will know you have their welfare in mind.”