When spouse’s parents take side with their own

Some would send her back that very day without giving her chance to voice out her grievances. In the same way, if a husband complained about his wife to his parents, they would try their best in shielding the wife so that at the end of the day, he would be left with no option […]

Some would send her back that very day without giving her chance to voice out her grievances. In the same way, if a husband complained about his wife to his parents, they would try their best in shielding the wife so that at the end of the day, he would be left with no option but to swallow his anger and live peacefully with his wife.
The parents at that time were doing that to safeguard their children’s marriages and this might not be unconnected with the way marriage was held in high esteem at that time.
Malama Kande Suleiman, a mother of three related how when she got married to her husband at Gombe, she left his house to her parents house in Taraba State because of some misunderstandings but on reaching home in the evening her father chased her out of his house.
“I reached home late in the evening and when my father returned home and saw me, he inquired about the purpose of my coming and  as I told him that it was a problem with my husband, he asked me to immediately leave his house, saying he would not allow me to sleep even for that night,” she revealed.
According to her, many people in the house had to plead with him to allow her sleep since it was already late so that in the morning she could leave, “That was how I was allowed to sleep for the night and first thing in the morning I was on my way to Gombe. With shame I returned to my home and that was how the problem vanished and I lived peacefully with my husband.”
Misunderstandings and conflicts are the hallmark of marriage but how best such conflicts and misunderstandings are resolved are what matters most. It is always on resolving these problems that marriages are broken and unfortunately the parents that are supposed to show maturity in handling their children’s marital problems are the ones now taking sides regardless of who is at fault.
Aisha Adamu who is married to her relative revealed how her mother in-law would always take side with her son whatever the case,  “Because she feels that her son is better off than my parents who are also related to her. Anytime she hears about a problem between me and her son, she would call my mother urging her to warn me. She would not care to hear my own version of the story; she just doesn’t want to see her son unhappy,” she said.
She added that all her neighbors are aware of the way her husband maltreats her but because his mother is taking sides with him, he is encouraged to continue with his oppressive acts and her mother who is very poor and afraid of having her back home would always call and warn her to stop offending him.
While she narrated her story, the disaffection between her and her husband was visible on her face leaving one to wonder how the marriage will fare.
Advising parents against taking sides with their children, Hajiya Salamatu Ibrahim,  a health worker urged them to always underscore the importance of marriage and should beware that all actions will be judged; sometimes right from this world.
She cited an example of how her mother and her mother in-law tried to keep her marriage intact.
She said : “When my husband took a second wife and I noticed that he was cheating me, I decided to complain to my mum but to my greatest dismay, she became so hard on me and vowed to disown me if I dared point an accusing finger at my husband again. I felt bad then and even wondered if she really loves me as a daughter, but it worked a miracle because I could not accuse him anymore because of the fear I had and the oath taken by my mum and this is what saved my marriage.”
She said on his part also, whenever he reported her to his mother, saying he does not enjoy his stay with her, his mother rebukes him and extolled her virtues so that at the end, he left crestfallen but determined to do his best in sustaining their marriage and now they have about eight children.
She further advised parents to do their best to sustain their children’s marriage because of the high cases of divorce with its multiple consequences and which is more devastating on the women.
Alhassan Aliyu, a university lecturer also stressed the need for parents to stop taking sides with their children, saying exhibiting such maturity could save many marriages. He particularly urged fathers not to take it lightly with their children.
He narrated how his friend’s father in-law meticulously taught his daughter a lesson that made her not to want to come back to his house from her husband’s house. “When my friend’s new wed wife went back home and complained that her husband was over burdening her with work because of the too many friends he was inviting to come and have lunch or dinner in his house, the father pretended to be unhappy with his son-in-law and asked his daughter to stay until after some time. At first she was happy not knowing that her father wanted her to learn in a hard way.”
He added, “The father called his son in-law and asked him to be patient as he teaches his daughter a lesson. What the father did was to bring some abrupt changes in his house. He ordered that henceforth, no rice should be cooked in his house and it was substituted with guinea corn. His daughter had to do the house chores including washing his big gowns, (Babbarriga). He made sure she was kept busy and with no sweet food to eat. After suffering, she personally went begging her father to allow her go back to her husband’s house.”
When she finally got the nod to go back to her husband’s house, she needed nobody to tell her to cling to her matrimonial home. The don therefore advised parents to over look the minor matrimonial problems of their children so that marriages would not be ending due to flimsy excuses.