When wealth determines parents’ affection

Some parents have unfortunately caused a lot of rift between siblings because of their inability to treat their wards equally. They show more affection to the wealthy members of the family, and ignore or abuse those that are not so financially stable.  It is now commonplace to see parents preferring their rich children to the […]

Some parents have unfortunately caused a lot of rift between siblings because of their inability to treat their wards equally. They show more affection to the wealthy members of the family, and ignore or abuse those that are not so financially stable. 

It is now commonplace to see parents preferring their rich children to the poor ones, as highlighted by the special treatment given to the wealthy side of the family. This special treatment does not end on the wealthy children but is extended to their children as well. These children (grand children) tend to be treated like fragile material within the family and during family gatherings.

In some families, the most senior son would be relegated to the background because of his low economic status. He is never consulted on family issues and where he is consulted; his words are not given any consideration. The rich son often takes the final decision even if he is the youngest in the family.

A story was once told by a Nigerian soldier who claimed that on a village trip to make inquiries, they were directed to an elderly looking man who upon being asked of his age (position) in the family said, “if it is in age I am the oldest but the one that makes and takes decision in the family is the youngest because he is rich but he is not here”.

Umar Muhammad is a low income earner. Attesting to this, he said his two sisters who are married to very rich husbands and are living in Lagos and Abuja, respectively, receive special treatment from their mother. “Because of their status, they receive special treatment from our mother over the rest of us that are not rich. Even their children are treated differently from our children. This attitude of our parents hurts us and makes us feel bitter and resentful towards our two sisters,” he said. 

Bilkisu A. Usman, speaking in the same vein, revealed how she was always rebuked by her mother because her husband was not as rich as her other sisters. “If she sees me, there is no happiness on her face. She would insult my husband to my face and would look at my children with disdain.”

According to Bilkisu, what upsets her is the fact that her husband is not a very poor person by Nigerian standards because he has his job, a car and takes care of his family according to his means. Yet because his status is lower than that of the other in-laws, he is never appreciated by his mother in-law. “The implication here is that parents will lose their children’s respect and that of their in-laws,” noted Bilkisu.

However, a retired nurse who made a contrary observation, Hajiya Binta Abdullahi, said in some cases it was not the fault of the parents. She noted that some children, even after becoming adults, are very lazy and could not work to assist their aged parents.

 “Some of them will not assist their parents and instead will struggle with their parents to have a share of what the other children are providing. In this case, there is no way that the parents will treat them equally because they are doing nothing to please them, rather they are liabilities to their parents,” Hajiya Binta noted.

She added that some of them will go as far as frowning at their parents for refusing to give them something. “You will often hear them making fun of the mother, accusing her of meanness and will never assist her, pretending that she already has a lot.”

She further noted that in an ideal situation, when children are grown up, each must strive to do something for the parents according to his financial status without depending solely on the rich one(s) among them. “Every child is in need of his parent’s blessing and one can get that only through serving the parent. If you are not very rich, give according to your income and speak polite words to them. This will increase your income and put blessing in it.”

She also advised parents to appreciate what their children offer and stop preferring the rich over the poor among them. “You don’t know perhaps the rich son may not have long life and he may go and leave you with the poor children. How will they treat you thereafter?”

Binta observed further that preferring the rich over the poor children will have multiple negative effects. “Apart from creating hatred and disunity amongst the children, it will also expose the poor children to all forms of corrupt tendencies in their quest to please their materialistic parents.”

She added, “No human being is comfortable when he is belittled, and will be forced to find a way of earning his respect by hook or by crook.”

The retired nurse further maintained that parents’ materialism is part of the causes the country is in the mess we are in now. “Buhari is busy fighting corruption in the country and I’m sure his fight will make just a little difference because corruption is deeply rooted in our homes and unless it is uprooted from there, the fight will not yield much success.”

“Our parents in the past would not eat the food from a son whose source of income was questionable. The society would despise him and have little to do with him. In this day and age, however, neither parents nor the society care to question the source of income of their children; they instead praise and applause him.”

Malama Khadijah Aliyu, an Islamic scholar and a court staff, also stated that it is wrong for parents to prefer a younger son over his seniors just because the younger one is richer. “This is wrong because a senior is always a senior; he can only relinquish that right when he becomes a nuisance in the family. In that case, he will not be given his rightful place or taken seriously during decision taking and other family engagements.”

She noted that materialism should not be the basis for relating with one’s children because worldly riches are left here in this world.

“Parents should aspire to have pious children first and if after being pious, he is also endowed with wealth, then they should thank God and appreciate His favour. Pious children are the ones that will pray for their parents after death but in most cases, the wealthy son might not have time to even remember them, not to speak of pray for them,” she said.

According to her, parents should give priority to safeguarding their children against the torment of the hereafter over the suffering of this world because, according to her, worldly suffering is transient but suffering in the hereafter is eternal.