Who decides family size, husband or wife?

For a marriage to be successful, spouses must be compatible, patient and most importantly, understand each other. There have been several debates on the issue concerning the number of children to be born in a marriage. Some people argue that the man is the decision-maker and is in the best position to decide, while others […]

For a marriage to be successful, spouses must be compatible, patient and most importantly, understand each other. There have been several debates on the issue concerning the number of children to be born in a marriage. Some people argue that the man is the decision-maker and is in the best position to decide, while others stress the need that it should be a collective decision by both spouses. A cross section of respondents expressed varied opinions on the issue.
Fatima Sambo, an interior decorator and mother of three, says that: “Honestly, I believe for any marriage to succeed, the two partners must come together and make a decision for the betterment of their marriage. Spouses have responsibility towards their children and therefore it is not appropriate for one to make the decision leaving the other out. Before I got married, I had discussed with my husband on this matter and we decided that we would have three children because I told him I don’t want to have more than that. The reason behind that is simply because I wouldn’t want a situation whereby I give birth to plenty children and I am not able to take care of them. I want to be the best mother by giving my kids the best training and up-bringing.” Fatima added that it is necessary to plan the number of children a couple would have as it makes it easier for both of them to take care of the children without fear. “I am glad I have an understanding husband who seeks for my opinion before taking decisions that concern our marriage, believe me not all men are like that,” she surmised.
Self-employed Nnamdi Chukwuka, thinks there should be a mutual agreement on how many children a couple should have before marriage to prevent problems in the future. Chukwuka related the experience of one of his relatives thus: “I have a cousin who wanted to have four children but his wife refused, she wanted three. My cousin, who couldn’t take his wife’s disagreement, went out and got another woman pregnant, because according to him, he wanted another male child. The issue got so serious that the family was involved as the woman threatened to live the marriage. That experience taught me a lot and I have promised myself that when I am ready to get married, my wife and I must discuss in-depth and agree on the number of children we would have.”
Christiana Ukweni, an undergraduate at Federal Polytechnic, Auchi, Edo State, opines that the decision lies with both partners: “Children come from God, so also is marriage instituted by God. The present economic situation in our nation has caused many to cut down on the number of children they want. I believe strongly that amongst the things to be discussed before marriage is children, both the man and woman should discuss in details and reach an agreement. So, I think the decision of the number of children to be born in a marriage lies on both partners.”
Sophia Adebiri, a bride-to-be, stressed that it is a tradition in her family for any lady about to get married to discuss the issue with the person she intends to marry: “My parents encouraged my sisters and I to have this important discussion with their partners and they also stress the need for both partners to arrive at a conclusion as that will determine the success of the marriage. The reason why my parents urged us to do that is because of my elder sister’s terrible experience. Everything was fine when she got married to the love of her life until later when they started having problems. Unfortunately, the husband wasn’t ready to have children at all. Therefore, my father vowed never to give out his daughter until that decision has been made before marriage. I think the best thing to do as a couple is to sit and talk about it and eventually come to a mutual agreement. That will save the stress.”
But other people are of the opinion that the woman should be the ultimate decision-maker whatsoever. They argue that the woman goes through a lot in the marriage and therefore that puts her in the best position to have the final say.
Thirty-two-year-old Laraba Simon believes that the issue shouldn’t even be debated, women should simply decidethe number of children they want to have in a marriage: “I made the decision of the number of children I wanted and my husband had no objection because he reasons with me. I see no reason why a man should make the decision when the woman carries the burden of pregnancy for nine months; goes through so much pain during labor and spends years training her child and all of a sudden a man decides the number of children she should have. To me it doesn’t even make sense at all to even think that the man has the right to make that decision.”
Suleiman Kankia, an accountant, states that even though he is the head of the family, he leaves the decision for his wife because he wouldn’t want to make her do what she doesn’t want: “My wife told me she wants to have five children and I was okay with the decision. She is the one who does 80 percent of the work when it comes to the kids so why should I force her to have many children when I know she is doing her best to see that our children get the best of everything. Too much of everything is bad they say.”