Who needs Malala?

Or to be politically correct, since the wicked people of Arewaland, having failed to seize power by hook or crook, decided to embarrass the president and halt the transformation train. Thus far, they have failed woefully. Amen.To prove that the whole saga is a farce, Mama Peace, in her capacity as deputy president and actor […]

Or to be politically correct, since the wicked people of Arewaland, having failed to seize power by hook or crook, decided to embarrass the president and halt the transformation train. Thus far, they have failed woefully. Amen.
To prove that the whole saga is a farce, Mama Peace, in her capacity as deputy president and actor extraordinaire ordered a transnational agency, WAEC, to come with proof that Arewaland, which is synonymous with poverty, diseases and degradation is capable of registering even ten female students in one school. She equally subpoenaed the school principal and the commissioner of education of Borno State to show up with similar evidence if they are to be believed or forever hold their peace. Not only did some of them refuse to star in the best movie ever since the death of Amaka Igwe, they failed to prove that any girl is missing.
Later, Mama Peace ordered that Governor Shettima of Borno should never sleep until he can provide evidence that he has found the missing girls. That was the prescription by the then occupant of arsehole rock when her husband was a sleeping governor of their home state of Bayelsa. Let us hope that this great punishment features in the decrees of the national corn-ference.
This is not the only punishment for errant governors that may feature in the Kutigi constitution. Governors whose states cannot guarantee the security of their citizenry are barred from holding naming ceremonies. To show leadership by example, Mama Peace has revealed that President Jones has ordered Julius Berger to make his bedroom impenetrable to her since the Chibok abduction. For those who still have the nerve to go to the movies, these encounters and their sequels are available in theatres under the Nollywood title – Diaris God. For those who can genuinely show proof that they cannot afford the fare, shorter versions are freely available on YouTube – updated daily!
Since the pronounce-ments, Naija has continued to exist to the consternation of those who conspired to make it end. We have gone ahead to host the World Economic Summit to woo bomb manufacturers but to prevent them from testing their devices, we closed down the nation while it lasted. Since then, and until the French deflated our pregnant balloon of hope, we have attempted to represent the whole black race by participating in Brazil World Cup.
We have travelled to France, London and elsewhere to learn how to secure our porous borders against the military wing of the Arewa Peoples Council (APC). Any resemblance to any party is a mere coincidence. We have aptly demonstrated in Kano after a blast that shoeless people can still dance in Gucci shoes. Our nation epitomises the real meaning of LG. Yes, we have not been able to correctly count ourselves and why should we arm the UNPFA to denigrate us. When God said ‘be fruitful and multiply’, he was addressing Naija men and their untiring women most of who love reproduction so much they die in the process.
In an era when rice cannot be wrong, it was quite a distraction that Malala Yousafzai chose to visit Naija at a time when President Jones was more pre-occupied with opening a rice mill in Doma. A grain of rice is worth more in electoral victory than 300 captive girls that cannot vote for retransformation. Our nation does not need a 17-year old troubleshooter to come and increase the political thermometre of the nation at this point.
How can Malala be saying that Islam supports girl-child education when Imam Shekau believes that girls can be kidnapped and sold or married off? Malala may have Obama’s direct line, but Shekau vows he has Allah’s without any intermediary. So what would Malala’s visit serve? Well, it serves a few purposes apart from the nuisance. Our president enjoys pumping the hands of celebrities with pictures to show. He usually jets off for this extra-curricular activity, this time a celebrity has brought herself. Now, he and his friends in the villa have pictures of handshakes to add to the presidential gallery. In fact, someone said they were falling over each other for this photo-op.
Malala has promised to help secure the release of the girls and convinced the president to talk to the parents. Thus far, the president thinks this is a big distraction. If that happens, the presidential video library would be one collection richer while there would be a few chapters added to the book of unfulfilled promises.
Sorry Malala, the basket of empty promises is full and running over, what the surviving parents and well-wishers of the Chibok girls want is simple – #BringBackOurGirls alive! Will Malala succeed where British drones, American spy gadgets and French espionage has failed? Only time will tell.