Why different parenting styles shouldn’t cause conflicts in the home

It is not uncommon to find women shielding, begging or outrightly insulting their husbands for being too strict with the children, or men who pick offence with their wives for the way they insult or beat the children when they go wrong.This has led to embarrassing situations where parents resort to shouting matches or use […]

It is not uncommon to find women shielding, begging or outrightly insulting their husbands for being too strict with the children, or men who pick offence with their wives for the way they insult or beat the children when they go wrong.
This has led to embarrassing situations where parents resort to shouting matches or use of fists right in front of the children they want to be good or grow into well behaved adults.
As such there are cases of children who deliberately misbehave in front of a parent with the confidence that the other parent  will say ‘don’t hit my child  for me o’, or ‘leave my son alone ‘, ‘you have started again , ‘ you are too harsh or strict with our children’ to mention a few.
This situations has made such parents to whip up sentiments or further heighten animosity in the home , with children divided or confused on which parent is good and deserves their love and the one that is wicked and they hate.
A mother for instance could make the father look wicked before the children  or instigate them to be rebellious towards him.
Every parent wishes to raise well behaved children, however the style of parenting to achieve this varies with some unknowingly doing the opposite with their children.
Also while a parent may believe shouting and spanking help correct their children the other may think sitting them down and  cautioning them suffices in other words while madam  is a control freak, her husband may prefer leaving the children to it and not getting involved.
Speaking with the Home Front, a parent, Mrs  Asibi Momoh said in some cases while  a parent may prefer the use of corporal punishment as a disciplinary strategy , because he or she was raised with the style , the other parent may see it as ineffective  and try other disciplinary  strategies.
Barbara Frazier, a parenting expert says  one of the greatest challenges to a marriage is co-parenting, especially when the parenting styles of each of the parents are quite different or worse yet, in direct opposition to each other.  
According to Mrs Elizabeth Ekaete,  a counselor and psychologist , the four parenting styles  in Nigeria include authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting and uninvolved parenting.
Explaining these parenting styles, Kendra Cherry, a psychology expert  says.
“In the authoritarian style of parenting, children are expected to follow the strict rules established by the parents. Failure to follow such rules usually results in punishment.
Like authoritarian parents, those with an authoritative parenting style establish rules and guidelines that their children are expected to follow. However, this parenting style is much more democratic. Authoritative parents are responsive to their children and willing to listen to questions
Permissive parents, sometimes referred to as indulgent parents, have very few demands to make of their children. These parents rarely discipline their children because they have relatively low expectations of maturity and self-control
An uninvolved parenting style is characterized by few demands, low responsiveness and little communication. While these parents fulfill the child’s basic needs, they are generally detached from their child’s life. In extreme cases, these parents may even reject or neglect the needs of their children.”
She said reasons why parenting styles might vary include culture, personality, family size, parental background, socio-economic status, educational level, and religion.
Suffice to say it is important for parents to achieve harmony or agree on the style of parenting for their children in order to avoid problems in the home.
Barbara Frazier, the parenting expert says some of  the common negative side of conflicting parenting styles for children include:
 Children feel great confusion as to what to do, how to act, what’s okay and not okay and generally what the “real” rules are.
Parenting conflicts offer children the opportunity to come between their parents and work both sides, manipulating situations for their seeming benefit.  Of course, this is not a real benefit, but quite harmful in the long run as it models dishonest, manipulative relationships lacking in real appreciation and empathy.
Children can become confidantes of one or both parents as each parent moves into a separate camp.  If the conflict is great and occurs often, children may have undue anxiety and/or depression, again due to the confusion and sense of guilt.
Children can end up devaluing one of their parents as they align themselves with the parent they feel has the best style, or the one that gives them the most privileges.
Ultimately, a child’s sense of self is in danger of impairment due to the tug of war that is played out through him over and over.  He becomes a battleground for the parents rather than a developing child who is being cared for and guided by parents who are in accord with one another.
As adults, children who come from families with greatly disparate parenting styles may feel that marriage is not a viable relationship, or they would rather not have children themselves, or worse yet, they mindlessly repeat the pattern by marrying someone with a very different style from theirs and the whole thing plays out again.
“There is no universally “best” style of parenting,” writes author Douglas Bernstein in his book Essentials of Psychology. While experts agree that there is no universally best parenting style it is important for parents to discuss and work together on the parenting style or combinations of which to raise their children.
Frazier said there are some styles that are better than others and some styles that are actually harmful but overall if the best interests of the child are a top consideration, then cooperative compromising is good . “ But if one parent is abusive, then there can be no real compromising from the other to cooperate with harmful methods,” she said.
If the parents are able to have a real discussion and amenable to examining their parenting styles, keeping the best interest of the children in mind, then the discussion should proceed in this manner that they  define values and parenting strategies and  identify conflicts and compromise, among others.