Why living with a Nigerian wife abroad is no longer fashionable

Simon (not real name) left Nigeria in search of greener pastures in the 1990s. He was lucky as he got   work which allowed him to study, and after  he obtained a master’s degree and got  a better job, he headed to Nigeria to marry the love of his life.He came to his hometown and got […]

Simon (not real name) left Nigeria in search of greener pastures in the 1990s. He was lucky as he got   work which allowed him to study, and after  he obtained a master’s degree and got  a better job, he headed to Nigeria to marry the love of his life.
He came to his hometown and got married to Nwanyi, a timid girl in her 20s, who had  just completed her diploma course in one of the nation’s polytechnics.
The arrival of Nwanyi in Sweden was a turning point in Simon’s life, as he was able to quickly arrange for her to start schooling, while he was working round the clock to give his new wife a special  treat.
A few years later, Nwanyi had given birth to three children, acquired a degree and started  a job that engaged her in the morning when the children were  in school.
As a result of schooling and interaction with other friends, Nwanyi came to the realisation that she was being  denied her fundamental rights as a woman, and so she could  no longer take nonsense from her husband.
Among the freedoms, Nwanyi was demanding, include the right to do what she likes when she likes, the right to own and control her salary, the right to party, and even have men friends and visit them when she pleases.
For Simon, her demands were not only outrageous but against the norms and customs of marriage in Nigeria, and so a fight ensued  and Simon was jailed. The once timid Nwanyi took over his house, control of his children and brought a man in to live with.
The predicament faced by Simon is gradually becoming a common occurrence in Europe and America, where a lot of Nigerians are seeking greener pastures.
Tales abound of many young Nigerians who today have become vagabonds abroad, as a result of what women they came to Nigeria to marry, have done to them.
Okey Martins, a Nigerian living in Stockholm, Sweden said that he would have made  it in Sweden, if not for the wife he came home to marry.
“I was advised by my parents to come home and marry. I did just that, but I didn’t know that the woman I brought from Nigeria to train and expose, was going to be my own downfall,” Martins said.
Why are marriages falling apart?
In Europe, the laws give women special preference, meaning they cannot be harassed, beaten or trampled upon, as is common in Africa and Nigeria in particular.
In 1992, the United Nations Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women (CEDAW) adopted General Recommendation 19, which includes violence in the prohibition of gender-based discrimination: “violence that is directed at a woman because she is a woman or that affects women disproportionately [is discrimination]”. It includes acts that inflict physical, mental or sexual harm or suffering, threats of such acts, coercion and other deprivations of liberty”. Violence against women is an internationally recognized human rights violation ,when either a public official or a private person commits the violence.

State participating to the CEDAW must take all the necessary measures to eliminate violence, including legal sanctions, civil remedies, preventative measures, (such as public information and education campaigns) and protective measures (such as support services for victims).
The European Union also adopted a political will to protect and promote women’s rights as evident in the Guidelines agreed in 2008, addressing discrimination as well as violence against women.
The Guidelines on violence against women and girls and combating all forms of discrimination against them promote gender equality, put in place effective, coordinated strategies, and address the impunity of those who have perpetrated violence against women. The document also prioritises women’s rights within the EU human rights policy towards third countries, and sets out a strategy for dealing with individual cases of human rights violations.

Hiding under these laws and guidelines, humble women married from Nigeria go  into Europe and America, and unleash hell on their husbands who still believe  in marriage as practiced in Nigeria, where the man remains the head of the family, and has all the powers to bring his un-submitting wife to her knees.
Dr Joe Ikara, an Abuja based marriage counsellor, said that most Nigerian men in Europe come back to marry as a way of reconnecting to their roots, and to stay abreast with their customs and traditions.  “Because most of them have been away for so long or they  left the country in their early years, they don’t understand what marriage to African women is all about. They become so different from what  they were before they left the shores of Nigeria. They forgot that Nigerian women are quite different from western women. This leads to lots of frictions between these two cultures.

According to Chukwudi Nwokoye, author of Marital tragedies among Nigerians in Diaspora, “another challenge that often leads to conflict is the fact that most of the men come back and marry ladies who are in their 20s, while most of the men are in their 40s and 60s. They end up getting married to ladies that are available; women they thought are the best for them. They know next to nothing about these would-be wives, seeing them through the eyes of their sometimes over-zealous relatives, whose agenda for recommending the lady may be different. Moreover, the women with better qualities then for marriage are mostly in their twenties, who are young enough to be their daughters. There is a generational gap between these spouses that creates lots of tensions. Women are now so liberated that a 20 year old in this 21st century, is not the same as a 20 year old in the 20th century. The present women in their 20s are mostly exposed to lots of western cultures, no thanks to the internet, pop cultures, movies, cable news etc. They now want more and demand more out of marriage. The issue of being able to satisfy her sexually is not the problem now, thanks to  numerous modern drugs which are available. The main problem here is that there are lots of value differences. The differences now involve what the man in his generation likes, and what the young lady in her computer/internet generation likes. There is this incompatibility. The man may like classical music, while the girl likes rap, the man may like African delicacies which the girl likes to explore western delicacies and so on.”

Inspite of the agony the men pass through in their attempt to maintain a Nigerian wife abroad, Chukwuma Joel said it was better than marrying a white woman. “Marrying a white woman involves so many things that men from Nigeria and other African countries are not cut out for. You may lose your children should you be deported for any reason. You may end up paying her alimony for the rest of your life, and worst of all, you become a   toy in the hand of your wife and the law, which is solidly behind her.”
As Nigerian men abroad are caught between the dicey choice of whether to come home to marry or marry where they are, parents, villagers, relations are having sleepless nights ,as the weddings that were celebrated as the talk of town are crashing daily around the world, leaving behind bitter tales.