Why you must look before you leap
Very few cases of divorce make it into the newspapers because not all those involved are newsmakers. But it is an open secret these days that, just as many people are finding their way into holy matrimony, several others are calling it quit with their spouses. The trend is so common that people are beginning […]
Very few cases of divorce make it into the newspapers because not all those involved are newsmakers. But it is an open secret these days that, just as many people are finding their way into holy matrimony, several others are calling it quit with their spouses. The trend is so common that people are beginning to look at it as normal.
Why is this happening? Well, there are many reasons ranging from dishonesty to lack of understanding. We have heard or seen cases of people pretending to be what they are not just to win the heart of a potential partner, only for the bubble to burst shortly after their wedding.
“People are sometimes rushing into relationships without taking the time to understand themselves, without waiting to see how compatible they are. Some of them will get married today only for them to separate tomorrow when they realize that they are not capable of living together as couple,” says Abubakar Usman, a businessman based in Abuja.
Speaking further, he said “There are also instances where people will claim to be what they are not, or try to court someone because of his background. I remember the case of a man who claimed to an international businessman while seeking the hands of a former minister’s daughter in marriage. The girl was given to him but he could not even get a befitting accommodation for her. In the end, the parents had to do what was necessary.”
Indeed, it appears that it is now easier to hold elaborate if not extravagant marriages than for some couples to remain together.
Most times people fail to realize that getting to know the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with is one of the basic foundations of marriage. Most times some of these marriages turn out to be an abusive one, physically or emotionally. A mistake once made in choosing a life partner can never be undone especially when kids are involved.
Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship.
There are two important traits to look out for to know if you are in abusive relationship. If your partner has a controlling behavior, he/she determines the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress and the way you spend your time. He/she demands rather than asks or pleads with you to do certain things. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. These are clear indications of abusive personalities.
An anger issue is also a major problem for any marriage. If you have a spouse that has anger issues then you are likely to be in an abusive marriage. This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
For Sadiya Yunusa, a housewife and mother of two, “Sadly there are many women in abusive relationships who don’t even realize it. Women need to know their rights, and they need to have a voice so that they can prevent themselves from being the victims of domestic abuse, be it physical or psychological. Most times they tend to hide under the disguise of staying put for the sake of the kids and say they have no choice than to put up with men’s insensitivities.”
“Great suggestions often come after one is in the marriage already. But it’s hard to know you will be abused until you are already in the marriage, and then what do you do? Islamically, divorce is allowed, but only as the last resort. But for most women, it’s not even an option. Then what?” asks Rukaiya Muhammed a civil servant.
Adam Ahmed, a husband and a father, says “Abusive relationships can be very dangerous and could end up disastrous. I have never been an advocate of a short term relationship before marriage. There is need to get to know the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with and a three month relationship is never the key to that. For those who have found themselves in an abusive relationship or marriage, the only option they have especially if kids are already involved is to pray that the whole situation changes for the better because getting a divorce does not make it any better.”
Mariya Abdullahi says “You don’t have to put up with an abusive marriage or relationship. What is the point of hanging on to a detrimental relationship? Your health is at stake and so is the moral upbringing of your children. Your children have to watch the drama and in the end they grow up to be bullies. I was in a very abusive relationship I have two kids, when I saw that my kids were scared of their own father I got a divorced. Putting up with it is not the answer marriage. Marriage is a sacred union but if one individual uses it to oppress everything about you then that is not a sacred marriage but an invitation to an early grave. We can’t always eat our cake and have it in all situations so men shouldn’t expect women to always adjust to their kind of live for their own selfish interest.”
In order to know someone on an emotional level, we have to engage the person in a positive discussion on different topics and issues. The kind of responses you get from the person should be able to tell you the kind of person that person is. Divorce rate these days is very high and I believe bad marriages can be avoided by taking the time to know the person you want to marry. Let us not be fanatics. Most displays of character are very superficial. Humans do a very good job of hiding their flaws. Know each other’s flaws before marriage. Discovering them later could be disastrous.
We all deserve someone who treats us with respect and dignity. We are mothers, sisters, wives and also daughters, we deserve better because we are precious.