‘Wife beaters are lost souls, in need of help’

What exactly does  Men Against Domestic Abuse in Marriages (MADAM) preaches and what motivated you to establish it? The objective of setting up this group is to ensure there is peace on the home front. Therefore, for me, it is a divine assignment. No woman should be victimised in relationship. Men must understand what triggers […]

What exactly does  Men Against Domestic Abuse in Marriages (MADAM) preaches and what motivated you to establish it?
The objective of setting up this group is to ensure there is peace on the home front. Therefore, for me, it is a divine assignment. No woman should be victimised in relationship. Men must understand what triggers anger and stop venting their anger on their intimate partners. We train boys, aged nine to 15, on anger management, to understand who a woman is and what relationship means, so that ultimately violence in the family and community can be reduced to the barest minimum. MADAM advocates, not from gender equality perspective, but from gender partnership perspective, that both perpetrators and victims of violence need help. We try to prevent occurrence of violence. We also preach that no man should be bystander when violence is taking place. If somebody is beating his wife, don’t be bystander. Intervene. If the perpetrator is not listening, involve the law. Don’t let him kill his wife or daughter before you intervene. Violence can also be perpetrated against men. When we talk about gender violence, what women do to men is always under reported. I have had cause to intervene in a situation where a woman physically, literally beats her husband. We also help women to learn how to tame their tongue and how not to provoke a man. We had a hold-the-mic session, and the topic was why do women like to be beaten by men, and people said, this is chauvinistic. We said no, if somebody is stronger than you, he or she has the capacity to injure you. So if such person says, ‘I’m going to hit you,’ and you keep shouting, ‘hit me, hit me,’ that’s wrong. Wisdom says you should run for your life.
 
But why do women get to that point or remain in abusive relationships?
 The responsibility falls on women to safeguard their life. We teach women to understand when there is situation of violence. When your man is aggressive and ready to vent his anger on you, the best thing to do is find means of escaping. Only a woman who is alive can take care of herself and her children. Something that is important to know about men’s violence is that it exhibits their power. Every time a man slaps his wife, he is saying, ‘you don’t recognise me as the head, the dominant power.’ If I tell you keep shut, the message I’m passing is that I’m the power here. And the woman is saying, sorry, you are the power but I am the strength. And when power hits power, there will be a collision.
 
So what has MADAM done so far?
My joy lies in talking to a JS-1 boys and running a six-year curriculum titled: “The Making of a Man,” with boys. Every boy wants to be loved and accomplish something in life. When the boy doesn’t get love, he becomes frustrated and vents his frustration in wrong direction. For example, he could beat women, engage in drugs and alcohol abuse, illicit sex, and lot of things. When we started that training, we see them opening their eyes to know they can be loved. We encourage boys to understand who they are and carry that positive masculinity to adulthood.

 How long has this been going on?
 For two years now.
 
What’s your membership strength?
We have two schools which we have adopted. We adopt a school for six years. We meet with them at every literary or creative day. We have been able to develop many boys in those two schools.
 
What do you have to say to violent men?
The man who beats his wife does not understand who he is and his purpose in life. My counsel to them is this: understand your triggers, your frustration points. If you are struggling, is it the woman who has caused it? Would you want your wife, uncle to vent their frustration on you? When a man understands who he is, where he is going, it makes difference in his life.
 
How does the Being a Man in Nigeria report assist in ending violence against women?
Knowledge unravels mystery. By bringing evidence-based research through the report, it is commendable. It opens the eyes of key influencers, religious people, media to the need for gender equity and partnership. I don’t want my daughter to call the police on me. If something happens in the family, we still have the family circle and pastoral counsellors that resolve issues. The policies, advocacies and findings of the report should be situated within our context so that they can be relevant to us. We don’t want to import, wholesale, foreign theories that will destroy family values.