Will he still love me if he finds out?
I am a twenty-year-old girl who is getting married soon, instead of feeling happy about my impending wedding, I am worried about it. My fiancé loves me and I have no doubt about that. What am worried about is if he will still love me after he marries me. I am flat-chested and he has […]
I am a twenty-year-old girl who is getting married soon, instead of feeling happy about my impending wedding, I am worried about it. My fiancé loves me and I have no doubt about that. What am worried about is if he will still love me after he marries me.
I am flat-chested and he has no idea about it. I tried to tell him about it some weeks ago but I only ended up telling him that I have a very small bust. He told me not to worry, that it’s not a problem since I am still growing. You see, he said I am still growing, which means that he has hopes that I will develop a decent bust someday. But I fear it is never going to happen, at least not before I get married to him. I have thought of just telling him about it, but I am so shy about it and I am afraid to see any kind of change or negative reaction from him.
I have forgotten to tell you that I love him too. I never had any serious relationship before I met him. I am so worried because I know that men place a lot of importance on a woman’s bosoms, especially the one they are going to marry. He loves me, but I know that he loves my physical appearance too. Everybody says I am beautiful and I know it, but I am only beautiful with my clothes on. I have been wearing a padded bra ever since my SS2 class because I was always hurt whenever my friends teased me. They used to say my chest is as flat as a blackboard. So after a long holiday, I resumed school wearing my bra and everyone thought I had developed a bust.
I am graduating next year and have been with my roommates for years now but they don’t know about it because my body is always covered up. I am ashamed of it and I don’t talk about it even with my sisters. My mother is long dead but I didn’t tell her even when she was alive, I still had hopes then.
I am so ashamed of myself that I always wish I am someone else. I try to tell myself that because God has given me everything else, He denied me of breasts so that I wont be arrogant but even such thoughts doesn’t stop me from hating myself. What do you think I should do? Should I just tell him about it? How do I even go about it? I am a Muslim and there is a limit to the things I can say without embarrassing myself. Should I just marry him since he thinks I am beautiful enough and let him find out afterwards. I suppose I can’t hide it from him after marriage, can I? Or do you think there is something, anything, that I can do to improve myself? Please advise me.
Anonymous
Let me first apologize for publishing this even when you pleaded against my doing so. I have two reasons for doing publishing it. First, because the essence of this column is to allow others with similar problems who may not be in a position to write to learn in addition to helping to solve your own problem.
Secondly, I think you are still trying to hide as you have been doing most of your life even when no one is likely to identify you through this column. I want to say emphatically that you have nothing to hide, neither do you have something to hate yourself for.
You did not create yourself, God created you and whatever He has created is perfect, including what you refer to as your ‘flat chest’! I am sure that your fiancé would know that the same God who created tall, fair and beautiful people also created short, black, ugly, and all. I want to believe that if he indeed loves you, it is the totality of your person that he is in love with and one ‘shortcoming’ (as you have condemned yourself to think) should not discourage him from loving you.
I am actually more worried about your state of mind than what to expect from your husband to be. You have so tortured yourself that you have lost your self confidence. You must learn to love yourself as God has created you and stop torturing yourself. I met a girl in the university whom everyone considered to be ugly, but she was so good natured and confident that everyone seemed to forget her physical look and instead focused on her person.
Even as we knew then that she could not have stood a distant chance of winning any beauty competition, her impeccable manners and confidence could have won her a Miss World crown! She was a ‘Miss Congeniality’ personified and we all gravitated towards her!
You have given him a hint about what to expect I advise you don’t go further than this so as not to sensitize him to become fixated on your chest. Instead you should display self confidence, let him see the pluses that you have instead and focus on them. Your state of mind and body language will be of help in this matter. Sometimes, if you make light of a problem, it would be treated as such but it would be a big issue if you make it appear so.
Yes, there are ways of improving your bust and it is through surgery but this is not common in our environment and I will definitely not advise that you go for it. Your bust may even increase in size when the children start coming. The best solution is to feel comfortable with your body and put your mind at rest.