Would you allow your spouse to keep his or her ex phone contacts?

Some people enjoy talking to an ex-partner because of this shared history. More so, it is easier to talk to an ex-partner because they are less involved in what is currently going on.  It is often easier to tell a bystander the truth about any given situation, than someone who might actually be impacted by […]

Some people enjoy talking to an ex-partner because of this shared history. More so, it is easier to talk to an ex-partner because they are less involved in what is currently going on.  It is often easier to tell a bystander the truth about any given situation, than someone who might actually be impacted by the truth.
With the advent and popularity of mobile phones and social network like face book, twitter, whatsapp among others many friendships have been established between the members of opposite sex.
Just as the advent of these communication networks make connectivity easier, it has led to heated debate among people whether it has done more harm than good, or simply put,   amended or destroyed relationships among partners.
The question of whether spouses should be allowed to keep their ex contacts is put to some Nigerians and the answers gotten varied as the complexities of relationship itself.
Frank Collins, an Abuja based civil engineer said that he cannot allow his spouse to keep the contact of her ex for whatever reasons.
He said that allowing her to do so might lead to temptation which can harm their long standing relationship in the long run.
“We might have issues and then she can decide to contact her ex for advice or even comfort. And you know old friendship or feelings can be easily relived and from there she can give in to temptations which will not augur well for our relationship,” said Collins.
Segun Owolabi, a civil servant has a contrary view over the issue. He argued that allowing one`s spouse to keep old friends whether intimate or not cannot harm any relationship built on solid trust and mutual understanding.
According to him, his wife still communicates with her ex and had secured an admission in one of the universities for one of their daughters through him.
“She does this with my active knowledge and I know the limit she can go. Her ex is also happily married like me so there is no cause for alarm or suspicion. Although, I know that they might have shared intimacy in the past, I don’t care much about that because everybody has a past. The past is gone, what matters now is the present and future,” he said.
 Precious Okeke, a beautician agreed with Owolabi`s view on allowing one`s spouse to keep her ex contacts.
She said, as a woman, she knows how trickish men could be, so allowing him to do his things in the open is better than allowing him do it secretly.
She said, “I prefer my man to keep his ex contact and even tell me about it than to do it secretly. It is better for me to know who he talks with and follow up on whatever they do. I know my man`s ex very well just like she knows me. We bear no grudges and she wishes me well in our relationship. It is a matter of trust and so I have no qualms over it.”
Khadija  Folarin was unequivocal in condemning the act of one keeping in touch with an ‘ex’, no matter the benefits therein.
She said, “How on earth will you allow that? When it is over between you the status quo must be maintained and I mean forever.  For God’s sake, as a woman, you now belong to another man and as a man too you also belong to another woman, no more no less.”
She said that allowing one`s spouse to keep in touch with an ex shows signs of degradation on the part of both partners.“We all know that a little sparks here or there might ignite the relationship again and then what do you call this than adultery which is abominable,” she said.
Esther James, a nurse narrated how her ex still calls her once in awhile to seek her advice on marital issues involving him and his wife.
“He still calls once in a while to seek my advice and most times try to compare me with her. I always advise him to be tolerant and see and take his wife for who she is and not compare me with her even though am now happily married to another man.”
Esther, however, said the unthinkable when she said that it is not absolutely healthy to allow such contact to exist between two exes.
“It is better said than done. The bitter  truth is, once in awhile  one gets so nostalgic and emotional that the old feelings just crept in and one wonders how long can one hold on before giving in.”
Hannnatu Musa said that the issue depends on the actors and how they see themselves after the break up that led to their separations.
“If I have discovered him to be unfit to be my husband and decided to marry another man, there is nothing he can do or say that will take my heart back to him. Of course we can see, greet or even meet at occasions. I won’t go back to him because what God has put asunder no man can put together. I am now for another man just like he now belongs to another woman.”
Doris Akhalu, a student said that she keeps in touch with her ex and still see them as friends even though she has settled down with another man.
She said that for her to accept any man in her life in the first place means that she has some qualities that endear him to her.
“Such a man deserves a place in my life sojourn. I can’t forget such a man, but that does not mean it will involve any sexual relationship again. It is just that he will remain my friend forever. Things might not work out between us due to the prevailing circumstances then which might  have been overtaken with time, everything in life happens for a reason, ”she said
According to experts, the key to dealing with a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, who remains in contact with an ex, is not to try to control or limit their contact.  If a spouse or partner wants to contact an ex, or chat with old boyfriend or girlfriend, it is probably best to encourage them to do so.  People have a natural tendency to resist attempts to control their behaviour.
“So, if you try to limit or control what a partner does, it can have the opposite impact.  And if you complain about your partner’s contact with an ex, typically, they won’t change their behaviour; they will just try to hide it from you.
And when partners start hiding their behaviour, it creates distance within a relationship.  Rather than being someone you can talk to, you are now someone to hide things from.  Trying to limit a partner’s contact with an ex often places people on the “outside” rather than on the “inside” of their relationship So, if you want to be in the know, it is best to try and understand why a spouse wants to talk to an ex and be supportive.
By being supportive and understanding, you stand a much better chance of earning your partner’s respect and appreciation.  Couples can grow closer when they try to understand and accept their differences.”