Wrong ways to show love to a child

As adults, we encounter children with weird expectation on how to and how not to be treated. This is all thanks to the very divergent upbringing they  get.Some households have taught their kids that it is ok to use all manner of languages to everyone (house maids, security personnel, chauffeurs) besides their parents. For some […]

As adults, we encounter children with weird expectation on how to and how not to be treated. This is all thanks to the very divergent upbringing they  get.
Some households have taught their kids that it is ok to use all manner of languages to everyone (house maids, security personnel, chauffeurs) besides their parents. For some others the decision on when, how and what to eat is the childs’ all in the name of love.
Mrs Omolara Omowa, A kindergarten teacher said: “ Parents today are too quick to swoop in. We don’t want our children to fall, so instead of letting them experience adversity, we clear the path. We remove obstacles to make their life easy. But adversity is a part of life, and only by facing it can our children build life-coping skills they wll need down the road. So while it seems like we’re doing them a favor, we’re really stunting their growth. We’re putting short-term payoffs over long-term well-being.”
Another parent who shared her experience with our reporter said: “When I became a mom, I got lots of advice on how to love my child. But not until a few years ago did someone actually point out that loving a child means wanting what is best for them on a  long-term basis.
“These days, I put more thought into long-term. I think about the kind of adults I hope my children will be and work backward to ask, “What can I do today to foster that?” Being mindful of their future has changed my parenting paradigm, because what makes my children happy at age 10 or 15 is somewhat different from what will make them happy at age 25, 30, 40 and beyond.”
Stories abound of how children get so much money than they can handle at their age from their so-called loving parents and they ended up big spenders on illicit drugs,  gambling and all sort of experimentation  that are capable of derailing them from concentrating on schooling
Psychiatrist Paul Bohn in one of his pieces said: “Many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment — “anything less than pleasant,” as he puts it — with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong.
“While I find it great that today’s parents have invested more in their children’s lives than previous generations, our involvement can go overboard. What we may justify as “good parenting” can hurt our children later. Unless we’re mindful of that, it’s easy to handicap them by making their lives too easy.
He outlined 10 common mistakes that parents today  often make. The intention he said is not to point fingers, but to raise awareness:
Worshipping our children. I think it’s important to keep in mind that our children were made to be loved, not worshipped. So when we treat them like the center of the universe, we create a false idol, turning a good into an ultimate. Rather than kid-centered homes, we should strive for God-centered homes. Our children will still be loved, only in a better way, one that promotes selflessness over selfishness.
Believing our children are perfect. One thing I often hear from professionals who work with children (counselors, teachers, etc.) is that parents today don’t want to hear anything negative about their kids. When concerns are raised, even concerns voiced out of love, the immediate reaction is often to attack the messenger.
Living vicariously through our children. We parents take great pride in our children. When they succeed, it makes us happier than if we’d done it ourselves.
But if we’re overly involved and invested in their lives, it gets hard to see where they end and we begin. When our children become extensions of us, we may see them as our second chance. Suddenly it’s not about them, it’s about us. This is where their happiness starts getting confused with our happiness.
Wanting to be our child’s best friend. Like everyone, I want my children to love me. I want them to sing my praises and appreciate me. But if I’m doing my job right, they’ll get mad and not like me sometimes. They’ll roll their eyes, moan and groan, and wish they’d been born into another family.
Seeking to be our child’s best friend can only lead to permissiveness and choices made out of desperation because we fear losing their approval. That’s not love on our end; that’s need.
Engaging in competitive parenting. Every parent has a competitive streak. All it takes to stir this monster in us is another parent giving his or her child a leg up at our child’s expense.
We fear our children will get left behind. We fear that if we don’t jump into the craziness, and pull out every stop to help them excel early, they’ll be stuck in mediocrity the rest of their life.
I believe children need to work hard and understand that dreams don’t come on a silver platter; they have to sweat and fight for them. But when we instill a “win at all costs” attitude, permitting them to throw anyone under the bus to get ahead, we lose sight of character.
Character may not seem important in adolescence, but in adulthood it’s everything.
Missing the wonder of childhood. As we project into the future, we may forget to let our children be little and enjoy the one childhood they’re given.
The pressures on kids start way too early. If we really want our kids to have a leg up, we need to protect them from these pressures. We need to let them have fun and grow at their own pace so 1) they can explore their interests without fear of failure and 2) they don’t get burned out.
Childhood is a time for free play and discovery. When we rush children through it, we rob them of an innocent age they’ll never pass through again.
Raising the child we want, not the child we have. As parents we harbor dreams for our children. They start when we get pregnant, before the gender’s even known. Secretly we hope they’ll be like us, only smarter and more talented. We want to be their mentors, putting our life experiences to good use.
But the irony of parenting is that children turn our molds upside down. They come out wired in ways we never anticipated. Our job is to figure out their inherent, God-ordained bent and train them in that direction. Forcing our dreams on them won’t work. Only when we see them for who they are can we impact their life powerfully.
Forgetting our actions speak louder than words. Sometimes when my kids ask a question, they’ll say, “Please answer in one sentence.” They know me well, for I’m always trying to squeeze life lessons into teachable moments. I want to fill them with wisdom, but what I forget is how my example overshadows my words.
Judging other parents — and their kids. No matter how much we disagree with someone’s parenting style, it’s not our place to judge. Nobody in this world is “all good” or “all bad”; we’re all a mix of both, a community of sinners struggling with different demons.
Underestimating character. If there’s one thing I hope to get right in my children, it’s their CORE. Character, moral fiber, an inner compass… these things lay the foundation for a happy, healthy future. They matter more than any report card or trophy ever will.
None of us can force character on our kids, and at age 10 or 15 character won’t mean much. Children care about short-term gratification, but we, as parents, know better. We know that what will matter at 25, 30 and 40 is not how far they once threw the football, or whether they made cheerleader, but how they treat others and what they think of themselves. If we want them to build character, confidence, strength and resilience, we need to let them face adversity and experience the pride that follows when they come out stronger on the other side.
It’s hard to see our children fall, but sometimes we have to. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves whether intervening is in their best interest. There are a million ways to love a child, but in our quest to make them happy, let us stay mindful that sometimes it takes short-term pain to earn long-term gain.
He summed his advise in a short proverb: “Prepare your child for the road, not the road for your child.”